How to live love is not mutual. Why love is not mutual or how people fall in love. Interpretation of unrequited love

When Victor Ediger answers questions during group analytical conversations, you immediately pay attention to his ability to quickly diagnose a person's deep problem. Sometimes it is clear on the basis of what words of the interlocutor the psychologist made this or that conclusion. Sometimes it is a mystery, but the conclusion later turns out to be true anyway. Once, seeing that I could not trace his logical chain in any way, Victor remarked: "Analysis cannot be based only on logic, this is where intuition comes into play". Such a combination of analyticity and intuition helping each other is probably a sign of any good psychologist. It's just that Victor has them in some happy proportions.

However, this brilliance would not, in my opinion, be of particular value if it were not for another quality of a psychologist, which is most felt not at the stage of diagnosis, but at the stage when Ediger gives a task to the person who turned to him. That quality is respect. Respect, the degree and level of which are not immediately revealed. For Victor, his interlocutor is not a creature distorted by a problem that needs to be cleansed of, like a scab, but a unique creature that is very necessary for something in this world. The problem in this view turns out to be useful for the development of a person, precious for revealing his potential. Victor suggests how to handle this gift so as not to go around with it, unpacked and aggravating, in a vicious circle. And it often gives a difficult, but always feasible task.

In order to be able to take such a metaposition, to contemplate the outlines of a person's spiritual path in such a way, a psychoanalyst must periodically feel in himself at least a particle of the deity, who, as you know, knows all paths. I think the divine is in everyone, but not everyone is able to turn to this part of their personality at the right time. Victor is one of those people who can do it.

- You once said that there is no non-reciprocal love. Why? After all, each of life experience can give an example of an unrequited feeling. What did you mean?

I have deeply researched this issue in my time. Interest in a person is always mutual, just not everyone can afford to reciprocate - for various reasons: someone is held back by obligations, someone by prejudice, someone is afraid to take responsibility for the consequences of relationships, and someone is encapsulated in such a way that that he cannot even admit to himself in a reciprocal feeling. In the latter case, one has only to dig a little deeper - and this feeling is revealed.

For example, a man leaves a woman, confused by some settings of the society around him (for example, because she has grown fat and does not meet model standards), but in reality it turns out that the relationship has not been exhausted, and he needs this woman. After all, it is with her that some important aspects of him are revealed next to him. Love is always mutual, it's just that people's ways to each other are different, and not always equally clear and open.

- If one person loves another, someone who seems indifferent to him, or is already in some kind of relationship, then you need to admit this feeling?

- Of course. You can't know what's going on inside someone you like so much. Let him know about your sympathy, and then we'll see. Give him a choice.

- Once I loved a not free man and did not dare to admit it to him, because he adored his wife, and these relationships seemed to me so sacred that my feeling seemed to me treachery. For a long time I disappeared from the field of view of this person, everything burned out in me. And then I found out that a year after I saw the idyllic family life they broke up. And I thought, God knows what this person would do in a year if he knew what I was experiencing. Moreover, he clearly sympathized with me. Is this an appropriate illustration of what you are talking about?

- Yes, it is quite.

- I remember your reasoning about the speculative concept of "loyalty." You said: “If a person loves a partner and wants to be with him, then what does fidelity have to do with it? And if a person passionately wants someone outside of the current relationship, but does not allow himself to take a step “left”, then what is beautiful about called loyalty? Who would want such a "faithful" partner? My question is about betrayal. What is, from your point of view, betrayal in a relationship?

- The concept of "betrayal" exists only in interdependent (even if they are still mutually beneficial) relations of not free people. Not free to take responsibility and make their own choices. In this case, people call betrayal the actions of a person that do not meet the expectations of his partner.

In a mature relationship, a change in behavior, even without warning, is perceived as a subject for dialogue, finding out the reason (if there is a need or interest in this) and making a decision on further relationships. And in the interdependent relationship of a man and a woman, the termination of the expected monopoly on access to the partner's genitals is considered a betrayal.

— How do you understand development in a couple?

- Development, if you look at it, is always individual. The task of a person is to reveal some new possibilities, facets, worlds in himself in order to perceive life in a wider spectrum. He is not yet so self-sufficient as to do it on his own, without the help of other people. Society provokes the disclosure of human potential with its pluralism, variety of forms. Of course, he chooses from the world revealed in himself that which is closer to him in terms of psycho-physiological and spiritual features and continues his development, respectively developing these qualities in the relevant areas: culture, science, applied affairs, etc.. And the beloved (I'm already talking about paired relationships) most of all contributes to the fact that a person reveals in himself and accepts what he could not accept before. Favorite is a more subtle, individually selected instrument.

Development in a couple is, ideally, acceptance in oneself, or at least a search for ways to accept what does not suit a partner and results in claims against him.

- Now I have a feeling that the conversation is being conducted by you from too high positions. From a Buddha's point of view. But I am not a Buddha, and what should I do, say, with the feeling that I have been abandoned, betrayed, or with the feeling that I am betraying someone if I do what I want? I am not so developed and self-sufficient as to be out of it. How to be an ordinary person?

- I answered from two positions: as you put it, the Buddha and the person - also still dependent. More often I stay in the second position, and I receive the first as a gift. I am satisfied with such schizophrenia. The main thing in my answer is still "at leastSearchways of accepting what does not suit a partner and results in claims. "It is difficult to accept, this is a special process: the inertia of the protest does not let it go, love and sympathy help. The main thing is that the process should be at the expense of oneself, and not the partner. Say, it is impossible, from my point of view, to say: "What a scumbag he is, he is never in a hurry to go anywhere, how can he learn mobility in life ...", but better: "HowMedisplays his slowness and equanimity ... Whatto medo in order to understand what positive side can be hidden in these qualities?" Etc. That's it individual development, albeit in pairs.

As for the "imperfect feelings" of an ordinary person ... It is important to begin to understand what thisyoursreaction to the actions of a partner. When understanding comes, or better, awareness, then in any case you will grow, become mature, and gradually a different attitude towards your reactions to insults appears, and the reactions themselves gradually change.

- From your point of view, is a pair upgrade possible? It is the plot of many "family" films: the relationship between husband and wife seems to have exhausted itself, their life is emasculated, but some event occurs - and in the finale a situation called "I looked at my husband with different eyes." And then - a new happy life with the same composition of the family.

- No, the reboot is also always individual and is experienced individually. And in these couples, after “I looked at my husband with different eyes”, then there remains so much hidden, “forgotten” pain, so much that is difficult to talk about, that is, so much unaccepted that there is no need to talk about mature relationships. I have encountered this many times. It is possible to resume relations if the couple broke up for at least two years, and then reunited. This has happened. But this will not be a renewal of the relationship of the old people - two new people will meet. And many of them will be different.

- Can you name the criteria that indicate: the relationship needs to be terminated, then there will only be attenuation - degradation?

- Relationships cannot be terminated as long as there is a strong indifferent reaction to a partner, even in his physical absence. Degradation or destruction occurs in the absence of work on one's reactions to the partner's actions, and the energy is directed to claims or attempts to change the partner. Therefore, I recommend stopping external relations after repeated (3-5) unsuccessful attempts to work on yourself.

- You said that after parting, in no case do you recommend looking for another partner on a sense of loss. I understand why: the use of another as an analgin is futile. But a person in such states is cunning and tries to convince himself that the pain of loss has passed. What markers can you indicate that would say that now you can already think about your personal life? And I would also like your recommendations on behavior during the loss of a partner (departure or death), especially in the first few weeks. How to deal with this pain in the most environmentally friendly way?

- After parting, when the relationship is really terminated, the person ceases to have claims against the former partner, moreover, he feels sincere gratitude to him. She is not afraid and does not seek to meet with him. If you have a lot of complaints, then the relationship, despite the absence of a partner, continues.

After the loss of a loved one, you need to consciously devote 10-20 percent of the time of the day to meditation of suffering, despondency, realizing that this is a normal reaction. That is, you need to consciously sit down and suffer, cry, sort through old photos, etc. Gradually, the accumulated pain will be washed out of the body (it will take from two weeks to six months), and you will be left with valuable experience for later life.

And to pretend that nothing happened is to drive suffering deeper. In addition, they will still break through, and then you will be stormed without your participation and much more severely.

If a person does not work on experiences after separation, then it is simply not recommended to seek or allow obviously dependent relationships for two years.

Does this mean that for two years not to look for any relationship at all? Well, it turns out, they will still be dependent, any.

- Various forms of relationships are allowed, but if you find love, you should protect your partner from yourself.

— To prevent painful "sticking"?

— Yes.

— I wonder what you personally still can not accept in yourself?

-It is still not easy for me to accept the rebel inside me, arguing with society. Therefore, he, poor fellow, jumps out at every step - where necessary and not necessary ..

What small (or big) spiritual discovery are you in recent times done for themselves, what internally valuable conclusion did they come to?

— Everything has its time.

— AT last years you are interested in photography. What does this hobby mean to you?

— Yes, I photograph me too. For me, this is another method of development, such phototherapy is meditation, where I learn to experiment. The formats and patterns of my psyche immediately appear there. In addition, you can track the reaction of others by changing photos in social networks, this helps to change opinions about yourself and accept it all.

— What are the processes (or trends) taking place in modern society, make you happy? What do you especially welcome?

- I welcome the manifestation and approval of completely different and even opposite concepts in everything: opinions, behavior, creativity, everyday life, relationships, science and near-science, politics ... After all, this is what leads to the acceptance of all aspects of life, and only after this acceptance does it become possible to find and realize myself.

Love is not always divided.

When feelings are mutual, it remains only to rejoice and share love with each other, with others.

But if unrequited love arises, not everyone understands what to do. Let's figure out what this concept means.

Interpretation of unrequited love

If a person has a deep feeling for someone who does not reciprocate, this is unrequited love.

You can talk about unrequited love, when the lover hinted at feelings or even confessed them, but in return did not receive a promise or even a hint of reciprocity.

Non-reciprocal love, according to statistics, more often happens at a young age: 14-25 years old, but situations can be different.

What to do?

Psychologists constantly talk about what to do if unrequited love. This condition is very dangerous, often people fall into despair and deep depression.

In fact, there is no need to upset, emotional torment in this situation is inevitable. The right approach will help to overcome them quickly and efficiently.

Tips from psychologists on what to do in case of non-reciprocal love:

1. In the case of unrequited love, what to do, psychologists say: accept the situation as it is.
   You can give yourself time to suffer and feel sorry for yourself, but you can’t walk away from the situation.
   However, suffering also needs to be set boundaries so as not to go headlong into it.
2. Many people know what unrequited love is, but not everyone knows what sublimation is.
   Although it is sublimation that will help to survive a difficult period.
   It is necessary to occupy yourself with mental and physical labor to the maximum. You can throw out your emotions in horseback riding, rock climbing, hang gliding.
   You need to look for sports and activities that will help you cope with stress.
3. Proper nutrition and a healthy lifestyle to relieve energy stress. A sauna or bath, a massage course will help.
   These procedures help to remove toxins from the body, and with them the experienced negative emotions, pain and clamps go away.
4. Self-improvement through art. Many psychologists advise to do something creative. Start sculpting with clay, try to depict your feelings with paint, start listening to classical music.
   By the way, many great masterpieces in all areas of art were created precisely during the period of great mental suffering of their authors.

In how to forget unrequited love, new acquaintances can help. But you should not resort to this method immediately. First you need to try to restore your physical and moral strength.

What movies about unrequited love can you watch

If unrequited love happened, a film on the same topic will definitely help to cope with the situation. Perhaps the behavior of the characters will help to establish something in their lives.

When feelings are overwhelmed, it is always good to look at people with the same problems and take into account their trials, mistakes and good luck in solving the described problem.

Movies about unrequited love:

• 500 days of Summer. For some reason, most often they make films about the unrequited love of a guy for a girl. So in this picture, the guy falls in love with a new worker who does not believe in his feelings, and does not reciprocate.
• Sabrina. A driver's daughter falls in love with the son of the head of the family her father works for. Soon she leaves to study in Paris and returns as a feminine, educated beauty.
• love mood. The film has a rather non-trivial plot. The picture shows that it is better to experience unrequited love than to be exhausted by long unhappy family relationships.

If you watch a nice movie, unrequited love will no longer seem like an obstacle.

On the contrary, such a complex emotional state helps to open new horizons. You just need to find an approach to yourself and overcome stress, constantly moving forward.

Are you wondering what to do if love is not mutual- refer to the advice of psychologists.

Man is originally a social being and seeks by any means to find a mate. This is due to the need for security, procreation, emotional nourishment.

Which is better: to love or to be loved? find out right now.

What is mutual love?

First you need to define the concept of mutual love.

There are two people attracted to each other. Is it possible to speak in this case of a mutual feeling?

Often the reason is childhood, when the child did not receive the required dose of attention and warmth. And now, as an adult, he is desperately looking for this love in partners.

In this case, the best way out is work on your personality traits identify the causes of the obsessive need to seek reciprocity from other people. Changes in oneself entail changes in relationships with loved ones.

What if the love is not mutual? Video Tips:

How to find reciprocity in a relationship?

How to attract mutual love into your life? Everyone dreams of mutual love. This is an opportunity to create a strong, stable family. However, to come to it, you need to work hard on relationships and your personality.

The desire to find mutual love can lead to disappointment. Reduce the importance of this feeling in your life, and then it will appear naturally.

How to achieve reciprocity? Find out from the video:

Love is not mutual - an unpleasant feeling from which no one is immune. It is not for nothing that the saying “you won’t be forced to be nice” has appeared in our everyday life since ancient times. No one wants to be in the role of a person whose love was rejected. But still, this situation occurs quite often in life. How to survive this tragedy with minimal losses for yourself, how to stop worrying and getting upset - read in this article.

Love or Addiction

Is there non-reciprocal love? The answer to this question is unequivocal: of course! And there are plenty of examples of that. Most of the poems, songs, novels and movies are devoted to the theme of unrequited love. It is interesting for us to observe how the heroes of popular works cope with the problem. But what to do if you find yourself in a similar situation?

Mutual love heals the most terrible spiritual wounds, inspires and gives a person a complete sense of happiness. However, love is often not reciprocated. Sad statistics show that almost every second person faces a situation in his life when feelings do not match.

Some people know how to switch, they easily endure this tragedy. Others may be stuck in a state of suffering for a long time.

Psychologists share feeling and love addiction. True love is a free feeling. loving person able to calmly accept the refusal, because he accepts the object of his adoration as it is, without expecting anything in return. It's a pity, but this is very rare.

In most cases, non-reciprocal love causes very contradictory and unpleasant sensations. Suffering in case of refusal of a loved one means that a person becomes morally dependent on the object of his adoration. In this case, you need to take certain actions in order to feel the joy of life again, open up to new feelings and avoid the problems associated with constant being in a state of depression.

To begin with, it is important to figure out what you have: or If your feeling gives you only pleasant emotions - you are lucky, you are able to love with unrequited love. Feeling uncomfortable means that you are dependent on the person you have feelings for.

Psychologists have been sounding the alarm for a long time: non-reciprocal love entails depressive disorders, which do not have the most favorable effect on human health.

What Not to Do

How to get rid of non-reciprocal love? First of all, you need to try to avoid common mistakes that can only aggravate the situation.

Try to pull yourself together. Tears and self-pity won't change anything. You will only get a swollen face, red eyes and tired general form. In addition, such a reaction to the situation will not bring anything but negativity, you will not be able to tune in and make the right decision.

Loneliness during this period is not for you! Try to be among friends: chat, walk together, borrow common affairs all my free time.

Don't eat your depression. In addition to extra pounds and food addiction, gluttony will not bring any more results.

How to start healing

The very first thing to do is to understand that only you can help yourself. No one else but yourself can overcome the sadness, pain, and disappointment associated with being rejected.

Psychologists recommend: start living a full life. Make every effort to ensure that every moment of life is not wasted. Try to "switch" from your bitter thoughts to something new and unknown to you before. For example, join a fitness club, start painting, learn languages, go dancing...

Make a rule: every day before going to bed, sum up your new achievements. Over time, you will learn to enjoy your successes, and this is essential. Be sure that your changes for the better will not go unnoticed, and soon a person will appear in your environment with whom you will have mutual feelings.

Burn your bridges

How to survive unrequited love? The best way defeat her - forget the person who rejected your feelings. This is easy to do if you follow certain rules.

1. Remove from your field of vision gifts, photographs, sweet trinkets that you received while communicating with this person.
2. Forbid people from your environment to feel sorry for you. Stop discussing and resenting unaccepted feelings. Stop any stories you know about the person you're trying to forget.
3. If any music causes you painful associations associated with an unrequited feeling, remove it and do not listen.
4. Avoid places that can bring back memories and bitter thoughts related to this situation.

Non-reciprocal love will quickly fade into the background if you take these tips responsibly and protect yourself from everything that can remind you of what happened.

Pamper yourself

A person who gets rid of the disappointment associated with needs bright, positive emotions. Do not be afraid to pamper yourself, give yourself what you like, what can bring a smile to your face, give joy.

Make time for yourself. Visit a beauty salon, get a trendy manicure, a new hairstyle. You can limit yourself to a bubble bath and a face mask at home. The main thing is to enjoy the process, to become better and more confident in yourself.

Go shopping and make yourself a gift, buy what you have long dreamed of.

Such actions significantly increase self-esteem. If you want to be loved, love yourself first. Treat yourself as the most precious and beloved person. This approach works wonders: radiating joy and self-confidence, you will attract many positive emotions into your life.

Fight fire with fire

Remember: non-reciprocal love is a temporary nuisance. Take a closer look - you are surrounded by many people who want to communicate with you. Let new people into your life, show interest in them, because who knows, maybe your destiny is among them.

Try to avoid falling into psychological dependence on unrequited love.

If you see that the person you have feelings for does not reciprocate, do not pull, immediately begin to act. The sooner you take control of your destiny, the sooner you will “recover” and begin to enjoy life again.