Mom and dad type of combination. Moms are different. Confident and powerful mother
Whether we are close to our mother or prefer to keep our distance, lost her a few years ago or moved to another country - in any case, her lifestyle and our relationship with her determine almost every aspect of our being. In the way we behave and interact with others, in our attitudes, values and beliefs, in our family and sexual life, the emotional heritage that we received from our mother is reflected.
Much has been written about how attachment is formed between mother and child in the first months and years of life. Thanks to Sigmund Freud and especially John Bowlby, we know that a child's well-being is based above all on a healthy, secure attachment to the mother. Less attention is paid to how these relationships develop later, in childhood and adolescence, how this attachment shapes the lifestyle and behavior of an adult.
American clinical psychologist and experienced family therapist Stephen Poulter notes: “The most important thing is to recognize that this influence exists. And it can only be negative if it remains unidentified, rejected or misunderstood. When you realize how multifaceted this impact is and learn to manage it, the “mother factor” becomes a positive force that changes your life for the better.”
Stephen Poulter defines five styles of motherhood: "perfectionist", "unpredictable", " best friend”, “selfish” and “ideal”.
1. Perfectionist
As a rule, this is a superfluous controlling, timid and anxious woman, for whom the main thing is the external side of life: she needs to make an impression, maintain an image. Her children tend to criticize themselves and engage in self-discipline, they feel their failure and emotional emptiness.
If you are her child...
Your strengths: You are most likely a person who is very responsible in your relationships, you can rely on everything. You appreciate perseverance and diligence, these are the most important qualities of character for you.
Emotional legacy: You always think that other people's opinions are more important than your own. You live with the feeling that the whole world is watching you and ready to judge you.
2. Unpredictable mother
Restless, irritable, overly emotional, she is not able to control feelings, and her changeable mood determines her parental style. She herself creates problems and crises in her head, and then broadcasts this excited state to her children.
If you are her child...
Your strengths: You have a well-developed empathy, you work well with people. You are always ready to support your work colleagues, relatives and friends.
Emotional legacy: Growing up with an ingrained need to care for people and their mental problems, you can also be overly irritable and prone to depression at the same time. You learn to read people and situations from an early age, and this helps you deal with other people's outbursts of anger or indignation.
3. Best friend
She communicates with the child on an equal footing, unconsciously wanting to avoid responsibility for him. Instead of an adult capable of caring and protecting, the child is offered a soulmate, partner, interlocutor, but at the same time he is actually deprived of his mother. Her emotional needs are so great and all-consuming that she herself has to rely on the child to satisfy them.
If you are her child...
Your strengths: You understand the importance of boundaries between parents, children, friends and relatives. You are often aware that you are taking the lead in your relationship and assuming a responsible adult role.
Emotional legacy: You may feel neglected and neglected and fear rejection. Other feelings familiar to such a child are resentment, indignation, the feeling that he is not loved and underestimated.
4. "I'm first"
One of the most common styles of motherhood. Such a woman is not able to see a separate individuality in a child, she is self-centered and not self-confident. Her offspring from an early age are accustomed to illuminate her life and at the same time remain in the shadows.
If you are her child...
Your strengths: You have a real talent for supporting others, you feel good and understand people in all types of relationships. You are loyal and sympathetic, able to take other people's needs to heart and solve other people's problems.
Emotional legacy: You doubt your ability to make decisions. You find it difficult to trust your own feelings in any situation, because your mother's opinion has always been more important and meaningful to you.
5. The perfect mother
Surprisingly, such mothers exist. But they, according to Stephen Poulter's book, are very few - about 10%. The Perfect Mother combines the best features of the other four styles. She is emotionally balanced, she sees unique personalities in her children and helps them grow up to be independent people. She is imperfect, but whatever her life circumstances, she cares for children consciously and with great desire.
If you are her child...
Your strengths: Feeling the love and acceptance of your mother, you are ready for risky decisions and changes in life without fear of being misunderstood and rejected.
Emotional legacy: You are able to accept and respect someone else's point of view. You are emotionally autonomous from your mother and able to cope with the challenges of an independent life.
How to rewrite the rule book
Stephen Poulter emphasizes that our mothers most often have not one particular style, but at least two. But one of them still dominates.
It is important to look at this motherly style in a detached way, without criticism and indignation. Only in this way, from the position of an adult, not a child, can one understand true role mother and her influence on you. An adult approach implies both our willingness to share responsibility for relationships, and the realization that they are not fixed once and for all.
The parent-child bond is an ongoing dialogue that we are also building. For example, each of us is able to "rewrite" the "book of rules" that he inherited from his mother. The "Book of Rules" is that set of written and unwritten laws that cover key aspects of life - choosing a profession, relationships with money, raising children, spirituality and sexuality. To change these rules, you need to understand how they affect your relationships and problems.
A rule, for example, might sound like this: "It is indecent for a girl to call a boy first." The subtext of this taboo reads: “Never marry a man you love more than he loves you. Let your husband love you: this way you will be in a more advantageous position. Ultimately, the message that the daughter absorbs may turn out to be even deeper and more dramatic: do not fall deeply in love and expect equally strong love in return.
By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which "chapters" from the mother's "rule book" have absorbed especially well.
How can this "rule book" be rewritten? First of all, consider scenarios in which we notice that we think, speak and act like our mother. “When I feel anxiety or insecurity, I immediately hear my mother’s pessimistic voice,” admits 36-year-old Natalya. - And her grouchy intonation: “I knew, I knew that it was not necessary to buy this / come here / agree to this adventure. And why did we do it? What were we even thinking about?"
By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which particular "chapters" from the mother's "rule book" we absorbed especially well. It will be useful for someone to describe in detail in the diary those situations in which the reactions suddenly begin to repeat the mother's, and then analyze what these scenarios have in common.
“I noticed that I hear my mother’s voice at those moments when I’m worried about some important event in the future or at work, or when I’m going to spend a large amount of money - in general, when I feel that I can’t control the situation,” says Natalya. Once you have identified the key circumstances, you can look for ways to respond to them differently, to find arguments in favor of the opposite point of view.
But this work will make sense only in one case: if we are ready to perceive our mother not as an all-powerful and overwhelming being. And not as perfection itself, inaccessible to criticism. But as a whole person, with all its advantages and disadvantages. Then, having discovered its strengths and weaknesses, to fully realize their own capabilities and resources in this ongoing dialogue.
About the Expert: Stephen Poulter is a clinical psychologist and family therapist who has authored several books including The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Affects Your Career and The Mother Factor: How Your Mother's Emotional Legacy Affects Your Life (both by Prometheus Books , 2006, 2008).
Good afternoon to everyone who came to visit us!
Modern mothers are no longer the same as they were 10 and even more so 20 years ago. With the advent of the Internet, laptops, tablets and modern phones in our lives, a mother with a child in her arms can afford much more: full-fledged communication, work, child development.
On the Internet, I accidentally stumbled upon the classification (one might say so) of modern mothers.
Maybe someone recognizes himself, or maybe not, in any case, you don’t need to take it seriously. Although in every joke, as they say, there is some truth.
So, let's read!
All mothers are madly in love with their Babies and want to give them all the most useful and best. But the ideas about the best and most useful for your Baby, the methods of achieving it and the attitude towards it, are different for all mothers. Based on this, it is conditionally possible to distinguish 6 types of mothers - "new mothers".
1. "Eco-mother" or "Green mother".
You can easily distinguish an eco-mother from others on the street. This is a thin, well-groomed girl with no signs of makeup, with a healthy complexion. She has a sling on the front, from which the Baby's head is visible, and on the back, a backpack, from which a yoga mat sticks out. Her main priorities are yoga, seasonal food, homeopathy, cotton (hemp) clothes, reusable cotton diapers and, of course, breastfeeding (ideally up to 5 years). She calls her motherhood "conscious parenting" and her Baby "natural". She constantly has a thought about what kind of world we will leave for our children after us. Green - mothers live easily and freely, as they live according to their biological clock, but for some reason they do not coincide with the work schedules of kindergartens, children's clinics and dairy kitchens. But besides this, there are also vaccinations, which they categorically refuse, microwaves, smartphones and fast foods, from which they shy away, and a terrible urban ecology, from which they try to hide in their dachas or immediately run away to warm countries, to places where there is no other GMO, Unified State Examination, and it is unnecessary to spend money on winter overalls.
Essential item: Tibetan milk mushroom.
Similar to: Alicia Silverstone.
Reading: Deepak Chopra (Indian-American Endocrinologist) Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents.
A woman who holds a high position in an international holding, has a penthouse in the center of the capital, with an MBA working 24 hours a day, even she can cause pity among others. But, this is the case if she does not have a family. Therefore, motherhood for a business woman is a leap forward, an incentive for work. Work, children, success are the links of one chain. Usually, in a pair with a child, they have a husband, who is needed rather for status. And then, she becomes invulnerable to her colleagues, subordinates, she is protected from their prejudices and barbs behind her back. Logically, a caring mother cannot work around the clock, but not this superwoman. A business mom knows how to delegate authority. It is also natural for her to learn from the nanny or secretary the juicy details of the behavior of her children, if she were present at the same time herself.
Essential item: a webcam hidden in one of the stuffed toys to keep an eye on the babysitter.
Similar to: Jennifer Lopez.
Reads: mail on his iPad and answers at any time of the day, Machiavelli for Women, or Principles of Warfare by Harriet Rubin.
She is competent in everything. Ready to give expert advice to everyone and everywhere, whether it's a playground or a children's store. Even when she is not asked to do so, only extraordinary circumstances can stop her. She has already tried all the most advanced development methods on her child. And she tried to buy all the new items in the children's industry, even if they were in the singular, for example, an orthopedic pacifier with a lie detector, released in China. She sincerely believes that motherhood requires additional education, as it is an independent branch of knowledge. But, as you know, science does not stand still, and at the same time, the results of its latest research are also changing, often in the opposite direction from the previous ones. This is the most difficult thing for smart mothers - to combine the principle of scientific evidence with the unscrupulousness and efficiency with which they can easily and quickly change their views, because they live by last word Sciences. It turns out that now the child needs eggs in the daily diet - do not forget to buy eggs! The mobile phone is not harmful to the child at all - it is necessary to return it to the child! Cow's milk is healthier than goat's - sell the goat! It's hard life, but it's worth it! Such mothers want to develop in the child the intellectual abilities inherent in him, which will subsequently affect his entire life potential.
Essential item: pediatrics apps for iPhone.
Equals: Gwyneth Paltrow.
Reads: "New Math Fun" by Martin Gardner, "A Wise Book for Smart Parents" by Eda LeChamp, " Short story time" by Stephen Hawking.
Such a mother does not take an example from anyone, does not deny herself anything, she goes her own way, and the child is not a hindrance to her. He is always and everywhere with her, whether it is communication with friends in a cafe (with champagne and cigarettes), a snack in fast food or a trip to another country. She considers him an integral part of herself. Moreover, the children of such mothers become independent early. They quickly learn how to dress, tie their shoelaces, know without hesitation their home address, and with an index (you never know?), they always carry clean diapers in their backpack, they can accurately find a canteen in a multi-storey business center by smell, as well as a secretary . And even if a mother suddenly loses her child, he will quickly be found in the security office, and when the child grows up, he will call his mother - “another mother” - his best friend.
Essential item: friends.
Equal to: only oneself
Reads: “On the coast of Gitchi-Gyumi” by Tama Janowitz ..
Such a mother is easy to distinguish in the crowd - stylish, dressed in the latest fashion with a child matched to her tone on tone. She stubbornly strives to give birth to a girl, because all the jewelry, all kinds of straps and scarves must be inherited, and there must be a lot of them. And this, oddly enough, she succeeds, well, if not the first time, then the fourth, just like Victoria Beckham. She walks her child and herself on shopping streets, where the likelihood of contracting an infection, especially chickenpox - and this is a real nightmare for such mothers - is much less than on a playground. At night, she does not read fairy tales to children, but “fabulous” stories about celebrities. She carefully studies the interiors of the houses of famous mothers before starting to make some repairs in her baby's nursery, so that later she can show off to her friends at a secular party, for example, a closet, like the Sarah Jessica Parker twins, and a door handle, like in the room at Suri Cruise. She tries to dress her child fashionably and expensively, believing that in this way she attracts all kinds of material and karmic benefits to him.
Essential item: invitations to social events.
Equals: Victoria Beckham.
Reads: "I can't lose weight" by Pierre Ducane.
6. "Mom is a blogger"
Essentials: Internet access.
Equals: Heather Armstrong, Liz Gambiner.
Reads: "Runet: Created idols" by Yulia Idlis, "Blogging for Dummies" by Viktor Rogov.
The symbolic mirror in which the soul is reflected is not only the eyes, but also our children: the principles that we put into them by educational methods in childhood, they then translate into the world. So, we know that the children of royal people do not use tablets, do not play with food and do not chase fashion (detailed ─ "Raising Kings: Do's and Don'ts for George and Charlotte of Cambridge"). What's on your priority list? We offer you to get acquainted with the description of six common types of modern parenthood in order to recognize yourself in one of them and correct the chosen course if necessary.
Eco mom
If you see a well-groomed, thin girl without makeup on the street, with a yoga mat sticking out of her backpack and a baby’s head out of a sling, this is an eco-mother. Among her priorities are Indian relaxation practices, homeopathy, seasonal products, clothing made from natural materials, organic cosmetics, cotton reusable diapers and breastfeeding (ideally up to five years). She calls her motherhood "conscientious parenting" and constantly thinks about what kind of world we will leave to children. In general, she is more interested in philosophical and esoteric issues than in the rules by which society lives, and this complicates any task and life in general for ordinary people to the impossibility. "Green" Moms live according to their biological clock, which for some reason never coincides with the work schedule of preschool educational institutions, dairy kitchen and children's clinic. And this is only the most insignificant of her disagreements with the system. But there are also vaccinations, fast food, smartphones and a monstrous urban ecology, from which eco-mothers hide in their dachas or, at the slightest opportunity, run away to spend the winter in India or Cambodia, where there are no GMOs and there is no need to spend money on winter overalls.
Must have: Tibetan milk mushroom.
Desk book:"Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents" by Deepak Chopra, Indian-American endocrinologist.
business mom
In modern society, a woman with an MBA, who holds the post of vice president of an international holding and a penthouse in the center of the capital, causes pity among those around her if she does not have a family. Work, success, children are all links in one chain. Therefore, motherhood for a business woman is a leap forward, an incentive for a career, a pretentious project like Skolkovo. Usually, a husband is paired with a child - not to pay for the services of a round-the-clock nanny, but for status. This complicates the task somewhat, but the result is worth it. A successful business woman in the status of a mother is invulnerable to the off-screen irony of her subordinates (comments like "What can you take from her? Lives at work!" Now they miss the target). Especially if she is regularly photographed by magazines to make it possible to demonstrate tenderness, femininity and a child against the background of a suspiciously clean nursery littered with teddy bears. Logic dictates that a caring mother cannot work 24 hours a day. But these superwomen know how to competently delegate authority. It is as natural for them to learn from the nanny that the youngest son has lost his first tooth, and from the secretary that the eldest daughter is pregnant, as naturally as if they were present at the same time.
Mast have: the latest generation webcam, which is hidden in one of the bears to control the nanny.
Desk book:"Machiavelli for Women, or Principles of Warfare" by Harriet Rubin.
smart mom
Competent in everything: she tried all the most advanced methods of child development, bought all the novelties of the children's toy industry, including an orthopedic pacifier with a lie detector, released in China in a single copy. On the playground, a smart mom is always ready to give expert advice (even if no one asks for it). She believes that motherhood is an independent branch of knowledge that requires additional education. The most difficult thing for her is to combine the principles of a scientist with the unscrupulousness of a person who is ready to quickly change his views depending on the situation. Only she does this not for profit, but for the sake of science, which penetrates life through news feeds in the form of the results of the latest research - always contradicting the results of the penultimate ones. So, according to the results of recent studies, a person needs to eat one egg every day (buy eggs), mobile phones do not cause brain cancer (return the phone to the child), cow's milk is still useful (sell a goat), there is no midlife crisis (think about it tomorrow). Such a life is difficult, but it definitely makes sense: to raise a person who can make the most of the reserves of his body, brain and communication skills.
Mast have: pediatrics apps for iPhone.
Board books: A Wise Book for Smart Parents by Eda Le Champ, New Mathematical Fun by Martin Gardner, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking.
Fashion mom
The one who once said “the first child is the last doll” had in mind exactly them - fashionable mothers with a bag made of reptile skin and a child in matching shorts. Initially, it is assumed that a dimensionless collection of mother's accessories, many of which she has never used, are not money thrown to the wind, but a dowry for her daughter. Therefore, a potential fashion-mother stubbornly strives to give birth to a girl. And she, as a rule, succeeds (if not the first, then the fourth time). She walks herself and her child on the shopping streets, where the likelihood of contracting chickenpox is much less than on the playground. Instead of fairy tales, he reads stories about celebrities to children at night. Her favorite characters are Ivan Tsarevich and the Gray Wolf (and in one person). Before starting to make repairs in the nursery, a fashion mom studies the interiors of the houses of other eminent mothers. Then to brag to her friends about a closet, like the twins of Sarah Jessica Parker, and a door handle, like in the room at Suri Cruise. She dresses the child expensively and fashionably, thus attracting all kinds of karmic and material benefits to him.
Mast have: a calendar and invitations to social events (a fashion mom has a phobia that the party will announce her nursing and stop inviting guests).
Desk book:"I Can't Lose Weight" by Pierre Ducane.
blogger mom
Must have: laptop or tablet with keyboard.
Desk book: How to quickly write impressive texts. 14 lessons" by Nikolai Kononov.
"Other" mother
She goes her own way, without denying herself anything along the way (neither in communication with her friends, nor in champagne, nor in travel), and the child is not a hindrance to her in this. In principle, he does not dress his daughter in pink, and his son in blue, and can feed both in fast food. Not out of indifference: it’s just that the “other” mother considers the child an integral part of herself - another arm, leg or ear. That does not prevent her from losing it somewhere from time to time, and then happily finding it - with neighbors, for example. Fortunately, self-sufficient mothers often produce very independent children. When you don’t know what your mom will think of the next minute, you willy-nilly learn to tie your shoelaces, always keep a backpack with a clean diaper with you, and also acquire other useful skills. The child of the “other” mother knows by heart the home address with an index and can smell the canteen and the secretary in the 20-story business center, who will immediately stop painting her nails and let him go to the computer. After many years, the child will grow up and will call his "other" mother his best friend, and for his own children he will become a tyrant and despot.
Must have: smartphone and unlimited Internet (to access the friend tape in social networks).
Desk book:"On the Shore of Gitchie Gyumi" by Tama Janowitz.
G. Cloud and J. Townsend described six types of mothers: “ghost mother”, “porcelain doll mother”, “dominant mother”, “scalp hunter mother”, “boss mother”, “mother hen (American -express)". This classification is based on the problems that mothers have created for their children. In fact, the authors consider six types of deviation from proper upbringing, starting with a lack of love and tenderness, and ending with the inability to let grown children go into independent life.
There is no doubt that the authors provide a far from exhaustive list of sensations, states and difficulties that people experience due to their relationship with their mothers: “inability to communicate with mother; lack of respect on the part of the mother for the values and decisions of grown children; the pain caused by a mother's refusal to recognize the friends and family of a son or daughter; lack of freedom, the inability to separate your life from your mother's, so as not to lose her love; lack of communication with the mother and mutual misunderstanding; inability to refuse mother or argue with him; the need to hide your true "I" and pretend to be perfect; the need to keep the mother confident that she is perfection; feeling guilty that the mother is not getting the care she claims; disappointment and conflicts due to the relationship of the mother with her daughter-in-law or son-in-law; guilt for failing to live up to the mother's expectations; grief at the fact that the mother is not able to understand the pain of children; childishness in the presence of the mother; resentment of maternal egocentrism; readiness to “kill” a mother when she insults her grandchildren in the same way as she previously insulted children.
"Ghost Mother"- physically and psychologically, the mother is absent, the main sign is closeness to the feelings of her own child. There are various variants of the "ghost mother":
Resorting to violence, destroying any possibility of contact;
Controlling emotions and thus not allowing the establishment of a close connection;
Obscuring the true "I" of the child with their requirements;
Leaving the child alone with himself, as a result of which she loses the ability to trust;
Experiencing personal difficulties and therefore not paying attention to the child;
Here are just a few of the problems that people raised by a "ghost" mother can have.
Surface in relationships. People often feel some emasculation of relationships, cannot develop them in depth, complain about the lack of intimacy and the resulting dissatisfaction. Detachment. Partners seem to have established a relationship, but in fact they do not actively participate in them. Emotionally, they never become part of their family, and the entire burden of "emotional support" falls on the shoulders of the other partner.
Closure. Such people are not characterized by the usual need for dependence. IN hard times they do not ask for help, but withdraw into themselves, causing deep disappointment in those who love them.
Distrust, hostility, aggression. These feelings are used by some to keep people at a distance. Distrustful of others, they attack, repelling anyone who tries to get close to them. Relationship re-evaluation. As adults, these people are looking for someone to fill the gap left by the ghost mother." They expect other people (friend, spouse) to give them what they didn't get from the ghost mother.
Negative relationships. As a result of initially unsuccessful relationships that did not give self-confidence, such people become victims of negative relationships in adulthood.
"Mother Porcelain Doll" unable to contain the emotional problems of the child - she loves her child, but instantly gives in to his panic, rage or fear. Mothers of this type have several specific emotional style patterns for the emotional problems of the child: catastrophization, withdrawal, over-identification, regression, “suffocation” with love, reproaches, anger.
The children of such mothers later develop excessive care, aggressiveness, withdrawal into themselves. In fact, the child takes on “the role of protector and father in relation to his aged mother.
domineering mother is a controlling figure, forces the child to behave only in a defined way. This position of the mother contributes to the formation of a symbiotic, masochistic or oppositional relationship between mother and child. If the child “broke down” under maternal pressure, then the child develops symbiotic and masochistic traits; if he continues the struggle, he is in oppositional relations, denying any attempts at rapprochement, which are subjectively experienced as attempts to limit, break, deprive of his space.
"Mother is a scalp hunter" expresses the mother's narcissistic need for a "good" child, the child must live up to the mother's expectations - "to be better". Such a mother is little interested in the real problems of her child, imposing on her a certain image to which he must correspond.
The personal problems of the children of such mothers are perfectionism, fear of exposure, and hence the concealment of mistakes; emotional problems that accompany people - depression, anxiety, fear and guilt.
"Mother is the Boss" is a hyper-authoritative figure who creates a mandatory system of rules for the child. The child is forced to comply. The mother always knows better what the child needs, and he must accept it. Consequences of raising a "mother-boss": the formation of a position "from below", the formation of a position "from above", the formation of a protest position (rebels). In all these cases, the person is infantile and immature. Men brought up by such mothers in relations with women are in danger of regression. Without overcoming the relationship with his mother, in every woman a man sees her “substitute”, and they themselves turn into a boy or, at best, into a teenager, and puts the woman in the mother’s place, using her to solve old problems.
"Mother is a mother hen" shows hyperprotection, causing helplessness in the child, does not contribute to the separation of the child from himself (from the family) either at the age of 1-3 years, or in adolescence. As a result, children develop: the desire to see a “mother” in a partner, a tendency to separate from the partner, since the partner symbolizes the mother, avoidance of psychological intimacy, idealization of the mother or maternal figure, the desire to take care of the partner, identifying with the mother, and the like.
Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PEDAGOGICAL BASES OF FAMILY EDUCATION
MECHANISMS OF EDUCATION
The comprehensive influence of parents on children, as well as the content and nature of this influence, are explained by those mechanisms of the child's socialization that are most effectively activated in family education. Psychologists have identified reinforcement, identification, understanding as such mechanisms by which a child joins social reality, enters life, becomes its independent participant. Let us consider the ways in which a child can master these mechanisms in the conditions of family education.
Reinforcement assumes that children will form a type of behavior that corresponds to the family's value ideas about what is "good" and what is "bad". Value orientations in different families differ significantly. One dad believes that the son should be kind and compliant, the other, on the contrary, sees the ideal of a man in physical strength, in the ability to fend for himself. In word and deed, parents approve, encourage, stimulate the child's behavior that corresponds to their ideas of a "good" person. And if a child acts contrary to these ideas, then he is punished, shamed, and condemned. For young children, emotional reinforcement is important: approved, desirable behavior is reinforced positively and thus strengthened, negative behavior is negatively and therefore removed from the behavioral repertoire. So every day a system of norms and rules is introduced into the mind of the child, they form an idea of which of them are acceptable and which should be avoided. However, despite the prevailing opinion that the child is the “mirror of the family”, he does not learn the “moral code” of his family from A to Z. Passing it through the prism of personal experience, the child “creates” his own set of rules of behavior, relationships, activities and follows him by force of habit, and then - by internal need.
Identification means that the child, loving and respecting his parents, recognizing their authority, imitates them, to a greater or lesser extent is guided by their example of behavior, relations with others, activities, etc. In the upbringing of children, one should not count on the power of a spontaneous example: it is necessary to create such circumstances and conditions when the child will pay attention to patterns of behavior and activities of adults. The fact is that parents do a lot of good things outside the home, being out of sight of the child (in the service, in the circle of friends), what mom and dad do in the family often passes by his attention. In this case, one cannot hope for effective identification.
Understanding is aimed at promoting the formation of the child's self-awareness and his personality as a whole. No one can do this better than parents, because they know the inner world of the child, feel his mood, quickly respond to his problems, create conditions for the disclosure of his individuality.
Pay attention to the fact that the considered mechanisms in themselves indicate only the ways of socialization, while the content of social experience depends on a particular family. After all, a boy, for example, can imitate a rowdy father, and a girl can imitate a dry and strict mother ... In one family, they are sensitive to the needs, manifestations of the child, while in the other they simply do not know how to do it. Thus, we can speak not about the objectivity of the mechanisms of socialization of the child in the family, but about the subjective content of the experience acquired in the process of home education, its conditionality by the whole atmosphere of the parental home.
PARENT'S HOUSE
They say about the parental home: home, father's home, hearth, family shelter... The words of the popular song by Y. Antonov immediately come to mind: "Parents' home is the beginning of the beginnings..." And, indeed, how happy is the one who is warmed memories of the warmth of the parental home!
Consider the concept of "parental home" from the point of view of pedagogy and psychology.
What is hidden behind the words "my home" for a small child? First of all, this is the habitat where it is protected from the unknown, the dangers of the surrounding world. At home they will calm him down, caress him, sometimes scold him, in a word, understand him. Home life is the most natural expression of the individuality of all family members. Here there is a feeling of maximum freedom, looseness.
The feeling of security is very important for the normal development of the child. The house is often referred to as “the hearth”, thereby emphasizing its purpose to warm the hearts of people. Children begin to feel the warmth of their home early. Here a child is a source of happiness for his family, and here he is disinterestedly loved, rejoiced at his first steps, words, and other successes, through which he “conquers” the world. In the family, the child gains the first experience of creating joy for others: he helped his mother set the table, drew a picture for his grandmother, and came up with a good congratulation for his father.
The parental home is also a kind of material concept. The feeling of security is created by the very place where the family lives, what has long been called a roof over the head. And it is not so important what exactly the roof is over - over a luxurious villa, a multi-storey building, a yurt, a hut, a hut - it is important that it protects from cold, heat, rain, in a word, from any bad weather. In the house, everyone has their own place, a protected area, which other family members treat with respect. Alas, this is not always a separate room, but at least a corner, a shelf in a closet, a drawer in a desk, where, without the knowledge of the owner, even if it is very small, no one will look in, will not invade without asking. So, before you sit down in a cozy grandmother's chair, you need to ask permission. Dad left on a business trip, but no one takes his place at the dinner table, because it is "daddy's". The older brother has a whole pack of clean paper on his desk, but without getting his consent, you can’t take even one sheet. And the baby has his own "household": a place at the common table, a bed, a table, a shelf with books, a "territory" occupied by toys. Here he acquires the first labor skills, learns to manage his own forces, to be responsible, accurate, thrifty.
Think about how it is more expedient to organize the “place of residence” of toys in the house: store them in a box, where to put cars, plush toys, cubes in the evenings, or take a habitat for soft toys, a “parking lot” for vehicles, etc.? Justify your answer, keeping in mind both the tasks of raising a child and convenience for the whole family.
Maybe it will seem to someone that we are talking about trifles: who sat in whose place, how to organize a toy “kingdom”, from whom to ask for a piece of paper for drawing. But after all, life in the parental home is literally woven from such trifles, and the style of relationships in the family is determined by how they are resolved. That is why “reserved zones” are an important condition for maintaining a sense of security in a person, the first of those that is dear to everyone in his home. And comfort in the house is created not only for the eyes, but also for the souls of all the inhabitants.
In everyday life there are expressions " warm house”, “cold house”. What affects the "temperature" state of the house? Of course, the people who live in it and are in relationships that determine the psychological microclimate of the family. The house will become a real family hearth if the behavior of adults is clearly directed towards others - the desire and ability to understand them, treat them carefully, take into account their interests, habits, tastes. Add to this the constant benevolence, the ability not to rush to conclusions about the actions and misdeeds of loved ones, generosity and condescension to minor violations. family life, the established order, and the picture of the "warm" microclimate will be drawn in general terms. It will be supplemented by trusting relationships, effective sympathy, readiness for mutual assistance. Adults will be the main creators of the microclimate of the family, they will do everything to teach children not only to “warm up” at the hearth, but also to “throw” firewood there themselves.
The family microclimate is determined by the behavior of the closest adults - mothers, fathers, grandmothers, brothers, sisters, etc. The child, not realizing any hidden or even obvious conflicts, emotionally perceives either thunderstorm tension, or constant anxiety and fear, or, if you're lucky, a beneficial feeling of peace, joy, and comfort. For a child, emotional peace, peaceful and joyful communication with parents, stable and reliable contact with them is very important. Joy human communication will remain the main and enduring value for the growing child.
In the family, the child develops the consciousness of his "I", his social significance. But in his own home, the child also experiences the first feeling of shame, pain, alienation, if he violates family rules, upsets those who love him. The child begins to understand that it is shameful to be capricious, be rude to adults, offend a friend, animals, be greedy, take other people's things and toys without asking, break and spoil them, make noise when someone is resting, act out of spite, be indifferent to the troubles of other people. Moreover, the realization that it is shameful to do comes to the child on an emotional level, when he feels that by his actions he offends, upsets, upsets loved ones. Emotionally experiencing conflicts, quarrels, clashes, condemnation, punishments, experiencing pain, suffering, a sense of shame, hurt pride, alienation from relatives, the child in his subconscious mind thoroughly reinforces the unconscious, but necessary for life stereotypes of shyness, restraint, shame (B.T. . Likhachev). This is how a sense of conscience is formed that will accompany him and suggest what is good and what is bad, many years after he leaves his parental home.
Not only parents, brothers, sisters, but also other relatives, friends of the mother, father, children, acquaintances, neighbors “revolve” in the orbit of the native home. All of them, to a greater or lesser extent, influence the development of the child, expanding his social experience. It has been noticed that the more hospitable the family, the more sociable the children, which, in turn, makes it easier for them to adapt to new conditions (for example, kindergarten, school). The child can relate well to everyone who lives in the house and who communicates with the family. But someone alone will become for him the main person of childhood. And although the influence of the mother will last for a lifetime, she may not become such a person for her child. They will be dad, or grandmother, or father's brother, who will captivate the child by collecting stamps, open the world different countries, cities, art...
The parental home is the constancy of the environment: people, environment, things, nature. The environment merges into a single image of the child's original world, where everything is familiar to the smallest touches, familiar, and therefore reliable, calm. For a child, a home is both a poplar tree that grows near the porch, and a staircase that seems especially long when you want to get to your mother as soon as possible, and a doorbell button that you could not reach right away... Exploring the world begins with things in the house. The child “reads” and “rereads” each thing many times, from different positions: the lid dining table, it turns out, it’s more interesting to look at it from below, sitting on the floor, and the view of the room becomes completely different if you stand on the back of the chair. Each item is a piece of family history. The desk was bought when dad went to school. The small TV "traveled" with my grandmother to Mongolia, where she taught students. It is especially interesting to look at relics, antiques that are carefully kept in the family: the cherished box with orders and medals of great-grandfather Kolya, grandmother's casket, where dad's scribble drawings are, shoes in which he took his first steps, and even his fallen baby tooth, a folder with my mother's notebooks and school certificates, grandfather's collection of butterflies, etc.
The parental home also implies its own unchanging order, traditions and customs. A normal family lives a rich inner life, daily creates spiritual and spiritual world individuality, brings it to the big world.
Each family has its own order, its own lifestyle and value system. Everything is important for the way of the family: when and how they get up, how they have breakfast, what they talk about, how they say goodbye, parting for a day, how they spend evenings, weekends, holidays, etc. And here, too, there are no trifles, because the way of life reflects the real relationship between all family members. In a harmonious family, whole rituals are formed that accompany the usual moments of life (P. Leach, H. Jeannott). For example, going to bed, three-year-old Liza carefully puts her "daughters" and "sons" in their beds, then with her mother's help she carries out what is called "hygienic procedures", then she goes to say goodbye to her grandparents for the night, and then dad carries her in bed, sits next to her, says affectionate words ... The child literally absorbs the family routine, gets used to it, takes it for granted. This means that the reasons for whims, stubbornness, squabbles with parents are reduced to a minimum, i.e. for negative manifestations that neuroticize the child, and, consequently, adults.
The way of the home is imprinted in the mind of the child, it influences the lifestyle that he will strive for many years later, when he creates his family.
But while the conversation was about a prosperous family, when parents have a certain system of values and life goals. If the adult members of the family care about the stability and reliability of the upbringing environment, then the child has a Home. Yes, it is the House with a capital letter, that “beginning of beginnings”, from which a person will grow up, recognizing the family as the greatest life value. And from this House strong strings will be drawn to the home of their people - the Motherland, and then to common house all people on earth.
And if the family is not very prosperous? Then the way of life in it resembles a railway station: everything flows and changes. And if there is no order in the family, one day is not like another, each family member has his own life, his own interests, then the child does not have the feeling of a home.
How do you think? Imagine a young family where both parents are busy at work. They have two options for raising a two-year-old son:
- the baby is taken to the grandparents for a week and taken home for weekends and holidays;
- the baby stays at home, where in weekdays grandparents come, and on the weekend they take the child to their place, giving young parents the opportunity to relax.
Which option would you advise young parents to resort to and how do you argue it?
The world of each family is unique and individual. But all good families are alike in the invaluable sense of security, psychological security and moral invulnerability that a happy father's house bestows on a person.
FATHER AND MOTHER AS EDUCators
By nature itself, the father and mother are given the role of natural educators of their children. According to the law, the father and mother are endowed with equal rights and obligations in relation to children. But cultural traditions distribute the roles of father and mother in the upbringing of children in a somewhat different way. The mother takes care of the child, feeds and educates him, the father provides general leadership”, Provides the family financially, protects from enemies. For many, this distribution of roles seems to be the ideal family relationship, which is based on the natural qualities of a man and a woman - the sensitivity, tenderness, gentleness of the mother, her special attachment to the child, the physical strength and energy of the father. The question arises: to what extent does such a distribution of functions actually correspond to the nature of the male and female principles in the family? Is a woman really distinguished by special sensitivity to the emotional state of the child, to his experiences?
The answer to this question was obtained in the course of an experimental study undertaken by psychologists. The subjects were men and women who were offered to observe a child in a difficult situation (crying from a bruise, confused from surprise). Real situations were used, as well as video recordings, film fragments, drawings. Different methods were used to determine the experiences of the subjects. It was proposed to describe their experiences and evaluate them in points (for example, give yourself a 5 for strong feelings, 2 for an indifferent attitude). Further measurements were made of those involuntary reactions that accompany emotions (pulse rate, breath holding, hand trembling, sweating). And, finally, the actions and words of the subjects were recorded, in which their empathy was expressed: how they looked at the child, what they said, whether they tried to help. After analyzing the data obtained, the scientists came to the conclusion that women are more sensitive in words than men: the scores they gave themselves turned out to be significantly higher than those of the stronger sex. But measurements of the physiological processes that accompany emotions revealed that the experiences of both men and women are exactly the same. A similar picture was obtained when studying the behavior of the subjects: the strength of empathy for children's problems and the desire to help does not depend on gender. However, when the experiments were carried out in the presence of strangers, the men behaved more restrained than in the individual test, while the woman, on the contrary, increased activity.
So, we can say that the ability to empathize with a child, the desire to protect him is characteristic of both a man and a woman. But it is traditionally believed that rushing to the aid of a child at his first signal, comforting and persuading, etc. - signs of a good mother, so women "splash out" their emotions. And for a man, according to the ideas that have developed over the centuries, it is inconvenient to "boil" with feelings about children's crying, fright, confusion.
For a long time it was believed that maternal feelings are unusually strong from birth, instinctive and only awaken when a child appears. This statement about the innateness of maternal feelings was called into question by the results of many years of experiments on great apes, conducted under the guidance of the American zoopsychologist G.F. Harlow. The essence of the experiment is as follows. Newborn babies were separated from their mothers. The kids started to develop badly. They were given "artificial mothers" - wire frames covered with skin, and the behavior of the cubs changed for the better. They climbed on the "mothers", played next to them, frolicked, clung to them in case of danger. At first glance, for them there was no difference between a native and an “artificial” mother. But, when they grew up and gave offspring, it became clear that the replacement was not complete: the monkeys that grew up in isolation from adults completely lacked maternal behavior! They were as indifferent to their children as their "artificial mothers". They pushed the kids away, beat them so when they cried that some died, while others were saved by the laboratory staff. On the basis of experimental data, it was concluded that in higher mammals (and man belongs to them), maternal behavior is acquired as a result of one's own experience of early childhood.
And yet, a mother has an incomparably more “natural” path to her child than a father. Already in the period of pregnancy, carrying the nascent life in her body, she gradually and very intimately gets to know her child. Note that the nature of the relationship of the mother to the child during pregnancy is not indifferent to its development. Science has data on the abnormal intrauterine development of a child during an unwanted pregnancy. Moreover, experts in a number of countries even believe that the emergence and, in any case, the aggravation of certain mental disorders in a child are more or less due to the negative or cold attitude of the mother. Therefore, the child requires a responsible attitude to himself long before birth.
Recall the purpose of the Family Planning Program, Chapter 2.
The biological connection between mother and child does not immediately turn into that psychological one that firmly solders them for the rest of their lives. The relationship that develops between the child and the mother after birth is the basis on which the whole world of human emotional relations develops further.
For the sake of objectivity, it should be noted that the father cannot get along with the child as intimately as the mother who carries him under her heart. The father does not experience childbirth and direct contact with the child immediately after them (if he is not present at his birth), he does not experience the intimacy of feeding, etc. On the contrary, with the birth of a baby, a lot of things change in a father’s life, not for the better for him: worries and troubles are added, there is a need for additional earnings, and the child “usurps” the love and attention of the wife, etc. In modern medicine, the term “sledgehammer syndrome” is used, it denote diseases that worsen or appear in men during the wife's pregnancy and shortly after the birth of a child. The changes that occur in the mood, character and personality of a man in connection with the birth of a child are much greater than similar changes in the character of the mother. This is contrary to the generally accepted opinion, according to which the appearance of a child for a man is less an important event.
At one time, the English poet W. Wordsworth suggested that the child is the father of a man. At first glance, this seems paradoxical, but in fact it is children who change the social functions of a man and make him a father. However, this can also be said about a woman, moreover, the family itself begins with children. Selfless care for a child, on which its very existence directly depends, unites spouses, fills their lives with new common interests, stimulates the development of those qualities that characterize fatherhood and motherhood. Both the father and the mother are subject to the same requirement: they must protect the child from the vicissitudes of life, provide him with a sense of security. This requirement is fulfilled by them in different ways depending on the age of the child and is expressed in different forms.
At different age stages, children may experience a sense of attachment to their parents to a different extent: a boy gravitates more to his mother, a girl to her father. But at an early age, children are most intensely attached to their mother. It is needed as a support, as a source of security and satisfaction of urgent needs.
sociological research showed that the function of the father in recent decades has changed more significantly, and for the better, than the function of the mother. Previously, the father's role was to provide food and protect the family from external danger. Today, both spouses earn their living, and the external danger has faded in the face of the internal one. The "internal enemies" of the family are misunderstanding of each other, spiritual callousness, alienation, lack of warmth and emotional support. Modern fathers experience the intimacy of family life more deeply than their grandfathers. Men have many features that are favorable for the normalization of the family atmosphere. Most of them are generous, they know how to “not notice” minor troubles, they are emotionally stable enough, which means they can “get away” from a quarrel, they feel humor, therefore, they are able to dispel the “clouds” in the family firmament with a joke, they are inventive, therefore the initiative comes from them in improving life, spending leisure time, besides, they have "smart hands", etc. Naturally, these wonderful qualities of a man may not manifest themselves if they are not “seen”, do not approve, do not encourage, do not stimulate family members, especially the wife. And then a man as a father does not fully realize himself.
Modern fathers spend more time with their children than ever before, and this has a beneficial effect on their development. Thus, observations show that children whose fathers in the first year of their life participate at least a little in their daily care are less afraid of strangers and more readily come into contact with other people. However, fathers begin to feel the greatest attachment to the child when the children have already grown up. Here the role of traditions, culture, individual and personal characteristics is great.
For the development of the child's intellect, it is preferable that in his environment there are both types of thinking - both male and female. According to scientists, the structures of thinking of men and women are somewhat different. The mind of a man is more focused on the world of things, while a woman is more subtle in understanding people. Men have better developed abilities for mathematics, for spatial orientation, they are more prone to logical reasoning. Women have clear superiority in speech development, in intuition, in the speed of "grasping" the situation as a whole. In children who are brought up by mothers alone, the development of the intellect sometimes follows the “female type”: better-formed language abilities are found, but disagreements with mathematics are more often recorded.
The traditional view attributes the father primarily as a disciplining influence. Many believe that the basis of the development of a child's morality is the fear of paternal punishment. Scientific studies have revealed an inverse relationship between the severity of the father and the morality of the son: in overly harsh fathers, the sons are sometimes deprived of the ability to sympathy, compassion, are aggressive, and sometimes asocial. Everything that is connected with the humiliation of the child, infringement of his dignity, does not give good results. Father's prohibitions are valid only against the background of father's love.
An essential aspect of the formation of a personality is awareness of oneself as a representative of a certain gender and mastery of the corresponding gender-role behavior (V.E. Kagan, D.V. Kolesov, I.S. Kon, V.S. Mukhina, T.A. Repina). Scientists call this the formation of psychological sex and note the special role of the family in this process: the child sees an example of the behavior of parents, their relationships, labor cooperation with each other, builds his behavior, imitating them, in accordance with his gender. Thus, for the harmonious development of the personality, it is necessary that the child acquire the experience of relationships with both parents through adequate models of maternal (female) and paternal (male) behavior.
However, in the development of specific sexual, psychological qualities of men and women, a huge role belongs to a man - an educator, father, teacher. It has been noticed that already in the first months of a child's life, the father (unlike the mother) plays differently with the boy and the girl, thereby starting to form their gender identity.
The father, as a rule, has a differentiated attitude towards his daughter and son: he encourages activity, endurance, and determination in the boy; softness, tenderness, tolerance in a girl. So, the father will praise his daughter for participating in the preparation of dinner: “The hostess is growing!”, And his son will not approve of such activities: “Let's go about men's affairs!” The mother usually treats children of both sexes equally warmly, without emphasizing their differences, welcoming any positive activity. And today, every third child grows up without a father, in a significant part of the children he is only formally present (which is also typical). This slows down the sexual socialization of the generation of modern children, and the increasing masculinization of women and the feminization of men have real grounds.
The absence of a father, fatherlessness is not so much a demographic concept as a psychological, moral one. If there is no man in the family, then this affects the development of both the boy and the girl. A girl may have an unconscious attitude that a father is not needed, and this will affect her family expectations, the formation of ideas about the family as the main value of life. And although the psyche of a girl is more stable than a boy, she also needs a father, especially in adolescence. For a boy who is brought up by one mother, she often becomes a model of male behavior. And she, who alone is responsible for raising a child, really develops masculine traits: determination, composure, authority, a heightened sense of duty, so she dominates the family, subjugates her son or daughter. Add to this the mother's excessive guardianship of the child, which is quite common in incomplete families, manifesting itself in an avalanche of worries, in a cascade of reinsurance measures. The child loses initiative, independence, is afraid to take a step without a mother. The mother's overprotection is especially harmful for the boy, who develops indecision and anxiety.
So, father and mother are the first and most beloved educators of their children. They protect and cherish their lives, create conditions for full development.
*» For the curious
The modern era is characterized by a wide variety of models of interaction between parents and children. But in all styles, there is a clear shift in emphasis towards the child, who has become a full-fledged figure in the parent-child relationship. According to the parameters of the similarity of the behavior of parents, the types of mom and dad are distinguished.
In modern literature, different typologies of mothers and fathers are given. So, the psychotherapist A.I. Zakharov is interested in the types of mothers from the point of view of their "assistance" in the development of neuroses and various neurotic reactions in children. You can read about this in his book "Neuroses in Children and Adolescents" (L., 1988). Psychologists distinguish four types of mothers with different styles of behavior (A.Ya. Varga).
A calm, balanced mother is a real standard of motherhood. She always knows everything about her child. Sensitively reacts to his problems, comes to the rescue in time. Carefully raises him in an atmosphere of benevolence and kindness.
The anxious mother is at the mercy of the fact that she constantly imagines about the health of the child. She sees everything as a threat to the welfare of the child. Anxiety and suspiciousness of the mother create a difficult family atmosphere that deprives all of its members of peace.
A sad mother is always unhappy with everything. She is tense with thoughts about herself, her future. Her anxiety and nervousness are caused by thoughts about the child, in which she sees a burden, an obstacle to possible happiness. The conclusion is clear: the child was not lucky with his mother.
A confident and domineering mother knows exactly what she wants from her child. The life of the child is planned by her before his birth, and the mother does not deviate from the implementation of the planned one iota. Sculpting a child according to an ideal model, the mother suppresses him, erases his originality, extinguishes the desire for independence, all the more so for initiative.
According to the same parameters, types of dads are distinguished: calm, balanced, confident, domineering, anxious, dreary. But there is always a masculine tinge in the behavior of dads, and besides, they also play different roles. Given this, the psychologist and pediatrician A.I. Barkan offers his own typology of modern dads, whose behavior style does not always favorably affect the well-being of the child.
“Papa-mom” is a motherly caring dad, he takes on all the functions of a mother: he bathes, feeds, and reads a book. But he does not always succeed in doing this with due patience (as mother usually does). The pressure of the father’s mood puts pressure on the child: when everything is fine, dad is caring, kind, sympathetic, and if something goes wrong, he is unrestrained, quick-tempered, even angry. Here it is in the house: sometimes warm, sometimes cold, and the child really wants the golden mean.
"Mom-dad" sees the main concern in better pleasing the child. As a mother and as a father, he resignedly pulls the parental burden. Caring, gentle, without mood swings. Everything is allowed to the child, everything is forgiven, and sometimes he “settles” comfortably on his father’s head, turning into a little despot.
"Karabas-Barabas". Dad is a scarecrow, angry, cruel, always recognizing only "hedgehogs" in everything. Fear reigns in the family, driving the soul of the child into a labyrinth of dead-end impassability. Punishment for deeds as prevention is a favorite method of such a dad. And it is quite possible that sooner or later a feeling of hatred will boil and break out in a child ... So Karabas creates for himself Vesuvius, which does not like to be "silent".
"Die Hard" - an adamant type of dad, recognizing only the rules without exception, never making compromises to alleviate the fate of the child with them when he is wrong.
"Dragonfly Jumper" - a dad who lives in a family, but does not feel like a father. His ideal of life is a free bachelor life without responsibility for the fate of loved ones. The family for him is a heavy burden, the child is a burden, the subject of his wife’s worries (what she wanted, she got!). At the first opportunity, this type of dad turns into an incoming dad.
“Good fellow”, “shirt-guy” - dad at first glance, both as a brother and as a friend. It is interesting, easy, fun with him. She will rush to help anyone, but at the same time she will forget about her own family, which her mother does not like. The child lives in an atmosphere of quarrels and conflicts, sympathizing with his father in his soul, but unable to change anything.
"Neither fish nor meat", "under the heel" - this is not a real dad, because he does not have his own voice in the family, he echoes his mother in everything, even if she is not right. Fearing the wrath of his wife in difficult moments for the child, he does not have the strength to go over to his side to help.
GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER
At one time, K.D. Ushinsky called grandparents, older people in general, who instinctively understand and know from experience the intricacies of education, "natural Russian teachers." As the famous modern psychologist A.V. Petrovsky, “grandparents, great-grandparents, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are an exceptional attribute of the human family, animals are completely deprived of it” (Petrovsky A.V. Children and tactics of family education. - M., 1981. - P. 16). Apparently, this is what makes the human family essentially immortal: it is reborn in grandchildren again and again, retaining some physical features, spiritual features of their distant ancestors. As it was sung in the popular song of the middle of the century, "there will be grandchildren later, everything will be repeated again."
Grandparents (grandparents) after parents are the closest people for a child. Their relationship with their grandchildren has an emotional basis, is devoid of calculation and reason, and is truly disinterested.
The participation of grandparents in the upbringing of modern grandchildren is associated with various contradictions. For the most part, parents welcome if grandparents express a desire to help in the upbringing of their grandchildren. But this does not always pass without friction between generations.
In a complex family where parents live together, their adult children with their offspring, it is not so easy to achieve proper mutual understanding between parents and children, since belonging to different generations affects.
At the end of the last century, it was not difficult for a grandfather holding a small grandson in his arms to imagine his future. It was seen as the same as the life lived by the grandfather. Everything that the older generation accumulated was accepted by both children and grandchildren without much doubt. Therefore, the grandfathers passed on the basics of raising children to their sons, and those to their children. On the threshold of the third millennium, the experience of grandfathers in raising children does not work as effectively as it used to. Why? The answer comes from the research of the American anthropologist Margaret Mead. Based on a thorough study of relations between generations in different societies, M. Mead came to the following conclusion. The difference between generations depends on the speed of social progress. Where this rate is small or equal to zero, the differences between generations are insignificant, so we can talk about complete continuity. The second half of this century is characterized by such rapid development that the experience of the older generation begins to lag behind the requirements of the times. Today, grandparents cannot tell their children and grandchildren: “Do as I do!” Therefore, the modern grandmother (grandfather) is no longer that authoritarian figure who once dictated how children should be raised.
It is difficult for modern grandparents to imagine how their children and grandchildren will live in the next millennium. Not everything is clear in today's hobbies of grandchildren, the way their parents bring them up is not always approved. However, the position of skepticism, which is sometimes taken by grandparents in relation to the educational activities of the child's parents, does not give positive results ("They themselves still need nannies, but Alyoshenka began to educate!", "They have no pity for the child, not that to educate him." From a skeptical attitude towards young parents, emphasizing their incompetence to bringing them down from the pedagogical Olympus - the road is short. A small child learns a lot in the relationships of close people on an emotional level, so he quickly catches on facial expressions, rare remarks, intonations that his grandmother (grandfather) is dissatisfied (dissatisfied) with his parents. Discontent emanating from a loved one is imprinted for a long time. Maybe the grandson, whom the grandmother “rescues” from the massive upbringing of the parents, will respond to this with joy, but we must think about the future. And in the future, it will not be easy to restore the trust undermined by the grandmother in the educational measures of the parents.
For the sake of the happiness of the grandchildren, one must seek agreement with one’s own children and try to understand why, for example, the “weak” Dima is taken to the pool (to the section of martial arts, table tennis), and Yulia, in addition to music, was “loaded” with Chinese. The fact is that in raising children, parents are more focused on the future (with the Chinese language, it will be easier to enter a prestigious university, sports will distract from thoughtless leisure activities, etc.). In other words, parents, to a greater extent than grandparents, adhere to the view that “children do not live, but are preparing to live” (S.Ya. Marshak), while the life philosophy of grandparents is expressed in other words by the same poet, namely: “It is unlikely that someone will come in handy in life who, while preparing to live, does not live in childhood.” If we translate poetry into the language of science, then the conclusion is clear: the grandparents, to a greater extent than their adult children, are aware of the inherent value of childhood.
But the modern family is changing: less and less fewer families where grandparents live under the same roof with their adult children and their offspring. Therefore, they rarely systematically participate in the upbringing of their grandchildren. Sadly, this leads to a weakening of emotional family ties between generations, which impoverishes the upbringing of children. This is sometimes aggravated by the fact that relations between the adult generations of the family are not quite smooth: mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, mother-in-law and son-in-law, etc., which complicates the lives of children who are not able to understand why the people closest to them do not get along (and sometimes are at enmity). Apparently, grandparents should show wisdom in dealing with adult children, and they, in turn, should be more tolerant and caring towards their parents. Peace and good relationships in the family are the most invigorating soil for the development of a child's personality. The older generations (grandparents and parents) in the family should do everything possible so that children unite, and not separate.
Of course, grandparents are different, but how happy grandchildren are when there are people next to them, for whom they are an immense and boundless joy! It is unlikely that life will present more vivid experiences in his declining years than this last love - grandchildren. The attitude towards them is somewhat different than towards children. The meaning of this relationship is surprisingly subtly "captured" by the proverb "Children to the crown, and grandchildren to the end." With children, the thought was always implicitly present: they will grow up and leave, they have their own life ahead of them. With grandchildren different psychological situation: they are for the rest of their lives. Grandparents, consciously and unconsciously, do not think about whether they will see their grandchildren as adults: who knows who will live for how long! Therefore, it is so natural to think about the present of grandchildren (much was done with children in the name of the future), to give them joy this hour, this minute. Hence, what is often called pampering. Although in fact it is rather an interest in the life of grandchildren, the desire to make them happy today, and not some time later. “Any tendency to spoil a child is paid off with love, fairy tales and memories, and other ways to stimulate and diversify the life of a baby” - this is the point of view about grandparents expressed by Masaru Ibuki, the author of the concept of raising and educating young children (Masaru Ibuki. After three years already late. - M., 1992. - P. 46).
Grandparents are emotionally connected with their grandchildren, they are able to respond to endless children's requests and questions, to which there is no time to listen to parents who are always in a hurry and busy with personal problems. Grandparents, as a rule, are wiser, more generous than parents. They, even if they are still working, have time and, most importantly, a desire to listen to the child, delve into his experiences, share his joys and troubles, and give good advice. The tenderness and kindness of the grandparents balance the possible severity of the parents. Often the older generation has to act as a lawyer for the kid, giving his parents a lot of "extenuating circumstances." This usually succeeds because grandparents better understand the inner state of the child. Interestingly, the perception of a child by grandparents and parents is somewhat different, mainly in that the older generation has “kinder” eyes than their adult children. In a pedagogical study by H.A. Tagirova's grandmothers (grandfathers), father and mother were offered to make a mini-portrait of the child. Grandmothers were focused on the “good neck” in the child, while dad and mom were focused on shortcomings. One and the same event (a boy broke a cup while cleaning the dishes after a family breakfast) was interpreted in different ways - grandmother: "Sasha always tries to help", dad: "Awkward, clumsy, everything falls out of hand."
Undoubtedly, in matters of upbringing, grandparents are wiser due to the fact that they have experience in communicating with kids, pedagogical achievements and blunders in relation to their own children have already become more noticeable. With their grandchildren, they essentially for the third time, but already on a different level, discover the surrounding
th world: at the beginning of life they themselves “entered” into it, then they “brought in” their children, and finally, their grandchildren. What a joy it is to read to your grandson the books of your childhood and the childhood of your children! Or holding the baby's hand, standing in front famous painting Vasnetsov "Bogatyrs", from which his father could not tear himself away a quarter of a century ago. Or, with the happy eyes of a grandson, to see the famous Samson again, while remembering what delight Peterhof caused his son when he was a child ... And every time, “traveling” through the third circle of their lives, grandparents tell their grandchildren about themselves, about their parents, strengthening bonds between generations. For example: “When I first came to Peterhof, it was already ten years since the war ended. But almost all the palaces were destroyed. During the war, there were enemies here, and our artillery fired at them. The shells hit the buildings. But the fountains were already working. And Samson stood his ground. And when we arrived with your dad (he was six years old, like you are now), the Grand Palace was already open. But you know what dad liked the most? Just like you, Samson Fountain, and also crackers.
The “historical” education of grandchildren begins with grandparents. No, children do not study history as a subject, they do not develop historical concepts. This is the task of the school. History has many layers - from the past of mankind to the history of a particular family. Grandparents voluntarily or involuntarily introduce their grandchildren to the history of their family, but through this prism the history of the people is highlighted. Children learn individual details, single images. Unpretentious stories of grandparents, their view and attitude to certain events - all this implicitly brings the child to the understanding that changes are taking place in the life of the people. Children begin to realize that each new generation lives in different conditions than the previous one, thinks and looks differently. The understanding comes that people, events, things have their past, present, future. Ideas about the connection between generations are formed.
Here is a grandmother telling how a little girl got lost on Red Square on Victory Day, how she fell on the way to school and broke a non-spill ink bottle, how delicious the school bagel that was given for breakfast seemed ... The child absorbs the details (the war was heavy not only for the soldiers, everyone rejoiced at the Victory), single images. But on their basis, a more generalized historical image is formed: how people lived before, how they worked, how they rested, how they raised children. Other sources used in the family historical knowledge, whose keepers are most often grandparents: family heirlooms, fairy tales, songs, sayings and proverbs, riddles, children's games and toys. All these means of forming children's initial historical ideas correspond to the figurative nature of children's knowledge of the world around them, and are colored by a personal attitude.
Modern grandparents are overwhelmingly literate and cultured people. They are able not only to nurse their grandchildren, but also to exert a moral influence on them, broaden their horizons, make their life more reliable, secure and stable. And grandchildren for grandparents are a kind of emotional rear, in which the older generation especially needs due to the fact that labor activity, ahead of a well-deserved retirement, and this is due to the breaking of the usual foundations of life. However, apparently, one should not completely “dissolve” in the life of adult children, grandchildren: blind sacrificial love will not make anyone happy.
Study according to the book of A.S. Spivakovskaya "How to be parents" (M., 1986) the role of a grandmother in a modern family.
LOVE IN THE FAMILY AS A MORAL VALUE
In a modern family, the ethical and psychological aspect of relations is becoming increasingly important, the demands of spouses and children for each other are increasing, the very criterion of family happiness and well-being is changing. The family is a purely intimate group, therefore, emotional attraction, attachment of its members to each other are its mandatory characteristics. All members of the family are bound by love. Its "primary" form is the love of spouses. The most favorable climate for a child occurs when his birth is the result of a natural need and desire of two people who love each other. The child enters the world loved by the parents as the greatest value. The essence of disinterested parental love was subtly noticed by the poet Valentin Berestov:
Loved you for no reason
For being a grandson
Because you are a son
For being a baby
For growing up
Because he looks like mom and dad...
And this love until the end of your days
It will remain your secret support.
Parental love accompanies a person all his life, although its functions change somewhat. In the first years of life, it ensures the actual life and safety of the child. The need for parental love is truly a vital need for a small human being. But as they grow older, parental love increasingly performs the function of maintaining and preserving the inner, emotional and mental world of the child. And although only in recent decades, the behavior of parents, their relationship with children have become the subject of careful research, scientists are unanimous in defining parental love: it is the source and guarantee of a person’s emotional well-being, maintaining bodily and mental health.
Parental love can have various deviations, sometimes it takes distorted forms. In such cases, they speak of unreasonable, blind love, which, having a different nature, means a certain excess, exaggeration, contains, as the Czech psychologist Z. Matejczyk figuratively says, "a solid portion of parental egoism." The value of a child in such families is emphasized by his roles.
In some families, they “live for the child”, he is loved, and not just, but without limit: a real “family idol”, who puts his person at the center of the universe. They admire him, they tremble over him, they find originality in his actions, even when he is naughty. It constantly discovers new "talents", which are demonstrated to acquaintances, relatives, friends. Believing in his exclusivity, the child grows up as a capricious, self-willed egoist who gets used to taking without giving anything in return. In kindergarten, he amazes everyone with his lack of independence, whims, inability to communicate with peers.
A variation of the role of "family idol" - "mother's (daddy's, grandmother's) treasure" - arises when one of the adults declares his exclusive rights to the child. The child becomes someone's "personal idol" due to a violation of intra-family relations (for example, a grandmother is ignored by adult children and sees consolation in her grandson, a mother does not find satisfaction in marriage and seeks compensation in a child). All desires, whims of the child are fulfilled, they give him gifts, if only he loves “his” mother (grandmother). Mom (grandmother, dad) is jealous of the child for other family members, unable to imagine that he can still love someone. The immorality of such perverted love for one's child does not require proof.
If a child has a rather serious illness or parents, only fearing that he will get sick, are shaking over him, fulfilling all his desires, then he begins to play the role of a “sickly child”. Very soon he realizes that any disease gives him special rights, and begins to speculate on the situation that has arisen. To achieve his goal, he sometimes resorts to pretense, cunning; seeing the unrest and anxiety of adults about their health, he himself begins to be suspicious of him.
So, any excess is harmful, even if it concerns love. And if it is lacking, if the child sees little affection from his parents? Unfortunately, this happens not only in old fairy tales, but also in modern families. In this case, children perform roles that emphasize their insignificant value to their parents.
Take, for example, the 'terrible child'. It becomes a child with any developmental difficulties (for example, hyperactive, aggressive, with underdevelopment of speech), which annoy adults, and they do not hide it. The poor child creates imaginary and real troubles for those around him (running around the apartment, always spilling everything), a tense situation. Feeling the unwillingness of adults to himself, he is disobedient, self-willed, acts "in spite of adults." It seems that the child is challenging the parents: “If you don’t want to stroke me, then at least hit me!”. The role of the "terrible child" can be played by the first-born at the birth of a second child (a protest reaction to regain the attention of parents), as well as a child who has a "new" dad. “Terrible” behavior of a child is a signal of his emotional distress.
In destructive families, a child can be in the position of a "scapegoat", when everyone takes out evil on him, splashes out his aggressiveness. The child lives in fear of punishment for any action and word.
Since childhood, everyone remembers the fairy tale "Cinderella", so it will not be difficult to imagine the situation of a child who is not loved, humiliated, oppressed. And in modern families there are children who are destined for the role of "Cinderella". They constantly feel unnecessary, bad, a burden in the house. They do their best to please their parents, to forestall their desires. But parents remember the child when he needs to be loaded with something, to entrust something. The child is suffering and does not know how to behave.
What role do you think orphans play in orphanages? Which of the roles are "not available" to them and why?
Optimal condition for the development of children is a loving family. A loving family is a family that has reached harmonious mutual understanding and mutual adaptation with children, where communication with children is a great joy, where a positive, benevolent emotional tone dominates. Reasonable love is characterized by the acceptance of a child, a combination of a positive emotional attitude towards him with reasonable demands and cooperation in interaction. In a healthy psychological climate, the child is not destined for any fixed roles. They love him (“the idol of the family”), he messed up - he became a “terrible child”. In the evening, he is “daddy’s treasure”, and during the day, when parents are at work, he is “grandmother’s treasure”. And the child performs all the roles with pleasure, does not get stuck on any of them, since no one forces him to do so. In a loving family, a child is neither a "scapegoat" nor a "Cinderella", but he is given other roles - an assistant, an interesting person, an adviser, who emphasize how much his parents need him.
We talk about the love of parents for a child all the time, but it "grew" out of the love of parents for each other. It is the true love of parents for each other that raises the tone of family life, causes a feeling of joy. This is the most healthy environment for the mental development of the child, for his moral upbringing. From parents who love each other, a child learns to see joy in doing something nice for another, and to value happiness in giving more than happiness in taking. He learns tact, humanity, fidelity, tenderness.
A happy family is the ground for the development of a child's emotionality. However, the upbringing of feelings does not come by itself, most often it, like any upbringing, requires effort, and considerable effort. “To teach to feel,” wrote V.A. Sukhomlinsky - this is the most difficult thing in education. Vasily Alexandrovich suggested this way of educating feelings in a child in a family:
- involve children in good deeds out of sympathy, participation, love for another person (care, excitement, anxiety about loved ones);
- to develop sensitivity of the heart in relation to other people, especially to those who need attention - small, elderly (“Olya cried today. Why? Did you find out? Did you help?”, “Why doesn’t grandmother watch her favorite TV series? Maybe Is she not feeling well?");
- use works of art, nature to enrich the emotional world of the child.
Love is based on an effective focus on its object: parents, loving a child, take care of his development, well-being in everyday care, chores (bathing, cooking, reading a book, going for a walk, playing, etc.). If the parents are indifferent to the child, then he first of all suffers from their "inaction": they do not take care of him, he is unkempt, untidy, etc. Love that lives in the heart of a father or mother, but is not manifested in any way in action, cannot make anyone happy. On the contrary, she will make the child suffer from the fact that "no one needs him."
How do you feel about A.Ya. Comenius: "To love children is a matter of nature, but to hide one's love is a matter of prudence."
The art of love lies in the ability to give joy both in small things and in large things, to give effectively, without saving in oneself. This should be taught to the child: when and how to show your love to loved ones.
Family love is not only feelings, but also a certain way of behavior of spouses, children, on which the happiness of this family depends. You can love each other, but torture each other with reproaches, indelicacy, spiritual rudeness, inability to say the right word... Love is overshadowed by the selfish behavior of spouses and children. The reason for behavior that undermines family love is the inability to understand each other. But this, as psychologists say, can be taught. Already from the third year of life, the child feels the mood, the state of loved ones, especially joyful. It is necessary to teach the child to respect the condition of loved ones, to empathize. To do this, parents should pay attention to the inner world of the child: what he is interested in, what pleases him, what makes him sad. The sincere interest of parents in everything that happens in the life of a child, interest in his children's, even the most trifling problems - this is an expression of the love of parents for a child. Moral behavior can be educated on the basis of love: only love can teach love.
REQUIREMENTS IN EDUCATION
Is it possible to raise a child without making any demands on him or his behavior? This question is far from idle. Requirements, their content, direction largely determine the degree of "softness" and "rigidity" of a particular educational system. And educational systems are different not only in specific families, but also among entire nations.
Each nation develops its own system of educational requirements that dictate what it is advisable to limit children to, and what they can be allowed to do. The problem of the boundaries of what is permitted has always been faced by parents. Until now, science does not have data on a clear dependence of the results of education on the degree of softness-rigidity of the attitude of adults towards children. For example, the Japanese system of education is characterized by a soft, undemanding attitude towards preschoolers. However, at school age, this one-sidedness is balanced by increased rigor and exactingness. The European model of upbringing is somewhat different: at an early age, upbringing is quite regulated by the rules and requirements of adults, but as the child grows older, external control is weakened.
In modern pedagogy, the concept of "requirement" is interpreted quite broadly: in addition to a verbal order, it includes the rules of children's life, its organization. The most common means of organizing the life of a child in a family is the regime, which is the correct distribution in time of the main life processes, a reasonable alternation of various types of activity and rest. The implementation of the regimen is, first of all, the preservation and strengthening of the nervous system of a preschooler, and, consequently, maintaining it in a balanced, calm and active state. The regime instills in children the habit of order and disciplined behavior. Children practice restraint, the ability to fulfill their duties, the demands of adults.
The pedagogical requirement contains two sides: the content, which reflects certain norms of behavior and morality, and the method of implementation - a certain form of expression of the requirement. For example: “I played cubes - put them in a box”, “If you need to go through, and someone is standing at the door, ask: “Please allow me.”
The motivating force of the demand depends on its clarity, the clarity of the wording. It is advisable for kids to “decompose” the requirements into actions, to show some of them. Thanks to this technique, the child develops an image of the upcoming activity, the necessary form of behavior. As the child accumulates experience in behavior and activities, a generalized formulation of the requirement is possible: "Artem, it's time to get ready for bed", "Oleg, please put things in order on your desk."
Demandingness should correspond to the achieved level and the immediate prospects for the development of the child. This shows respect for the strengths and capabilities of the child, trust in his personality. Parents should not do for the child what he has already learned, but should "inspire" him to the next achievement. For example, three-year-old Nastya knows how to put on a blouse herself, so her mother suggests to her: “Put on a blouse yourself, and we’ll try to fasten the buttons together.”
Keep in mind the reasonableness of the requirements. This means that the child must understand what and why he is doing. In addition, it is necessary to create real conditions for the fulfillment of the requirements, instructions of adults, to ensure the fulfillment of the requirements by material means, and it is important that they are selected taking into account the strengths and capabilities of the child. If, for example, a child is offered adult cutlery, he will not soon learn to eat with a knife and fork. Sometimes children cannot fulfill the requirements of adults due to the fact that they do not have the necessary skills and abilities. Therefore, parents should form a variety of skills and abilities in children in order to consistently increase the demands on their behavior and activities.
Requirements reach the goal provided that they are fulfilled by the child, brought to the end (including with the help of parents). And, on the contrary, a disorganizing effect on the child is exerted by numerous requirements that are not agreed upon by the adult members of the family and are not obligatory for fulfillment.
For a child, the tone of appeal to him with a demand is of no small importance. Affectionate, softened and restrained intonations, a share of humor and a joke are appropriate, the main thing is that the child feels the participation, care, interest of an adult in his personality. Requirements in the form of a shout, threats with irritable intonations are poorly perceived by the child and do not make him want to obey adults.
During preschool childhood, there is an awareness of the requirements of adults, an understanding of their reasonableness, the need to fulfill. As a result, in children of five or six years of age one can see the rudimentary forms of the transformation of the external demands of the parents into internal stimuli of behavior. The child begins to understand the requirements expressed in a request, advice, hint, indirect reminder.
In the educational systems of modern domestic families, the requirements are treated differently, which determines the different tactics of education. A.V. Petrovsky identifies the following types of family relationships and, accordingly, tactical lines in education: dictate, guardianship, peaceful coexistence based on non-intervention, cooperation.
Diktat is characterized by the fact that at the forefront are demands, rules that parents "introduce" into the life of a child with the help of orders, violence, threats and other harsh measures. The immorality of diktat does not require special argumentation: the will of the child is broken, the desire for independence, initiative “withers” in the bud, personal dignity is trampled on. The “fruits” of such an upbringing are fear, hypocrisy, lies, outbursts of rudeness, plus possible deviations in the child’s health. Naturally, parents do not strive for such results, perhaps they resort to increased exactingness out of good intentions, but the damage caused to the development of the individual cannot be repaired.
At one time A.S. called for the maximum exactingness in education. Makarenko, but on condition that it is combined with maximum respect and trust in the child. Demanding without a combination of trust and respect for the child turns into rough pressure, coercion.
At first glance, guardianship is directly opposite to dictate: to free the child from difficulties, to get rid of "unnecessary" requirements. But in fact, the dictates of parents and guardianship are phenomena of the same order, they differ in form, and not in essence. The results largely agree.
Peaceful existence based on non-intervention is a fairly common tactic in modern families, where young, often educated parents adhere to the principle: children should grow up independent, uninhibited, free. Hence - a minimum of requirements, rules, norms of behavior. More clearly, the course towards the independence of the two worlds - parents and children - is observed in families where adults are busy with their own problems, including career ones, where mother and father “protect” their peace, take a position of non-interference, preferring comfortable and not coexistence that requires mental costs. The result of such upbringing is the alienation of parents and children, emotional autonomy.
Cooperation is characterized by a balance of love, respect and exactingness to the child (and to other family members, by the way). Here the requirements are not “bulging out”, they are natural if everyone effectively shows their love and care for each other. The child has no fear of fulfillment and non-compliance with norms, rules, requirements, because he will be reminded, prompted, if necessary, they will help. But the most important thing is that they inspire him with faith in his own strengths, opportunities, in other words, they positively stimulate his competence.
Hungarian psychologists J. Ranshburg and P. Popper believe that a child has a need for his own competence, which is formed as life experience is accumulated. One can cite a lot of evidence that a child early enough wants to explore the world on his own, to try his hand. Here is a three-year-old kid rushed to the icy path: “I want to ride!” How is mom doing? The one who takes care of the child or dictates her will to him will say: “No, he is still small. If you fall, you break your nose, it will hurt ... ”She suppresses the child’s desire to be active, to try his hand. In such cases, one speaks of a negative stimulation of the child's competence. Another mother, who understands that the child’s desire for independence must be supported in every possible way, will say differently: “You can, but I will help you, give me your hand.” Encouragement of the child, permission to do something characterize the positive stimulation of competence.
With negative stimulation, parents express concerns, dissuade the child, inspire him with “you can’t!”. The child picked up a dry branch - “you will gouge out your eye”, went up to a puddle - “you will fall!”, He took a cup from the table to help his grandmother clean the dishes - “you will break it!”. In a word - endless suggestions in word and deed that the child is not competent. Where does this lead? To a weakening of faith in one's own strengths, an assertion in a negative opinion about oneself and one's abilities. The child is guided by external control, and this leads to a fear of responsibility, to dependence on the situation, the requirements of adults. In a word, a person who is not self-confident will grow up.
With positive stimulation of children's competence, on the contrary, they inspire him that he will succeed, that he will be able to do everything, thereby strengthening his faith in his own strengths and capabilities. The child "grows" in his own eyes. The unobtrusive help of parents is aimed at developing the child's internal control over his behavior. And this, in turn, is beneficial for strengthening independence, becoming responsible. Together, all the techniques of positively stimulating the child's competence will help parents raise a self-confident personality.
So, the task of parents is to organize the life of children not so much with the help of external regulation, through the presentation of requirements, rules, but by fully activating the child's internal incentives, needs, desire to become better.
AUTHORITY OF PARENTS
The democratization of public life led to criticism of the authoritarian concept of education, which provides for the subordination of children to the will of the teacher and parents. In this regard, the concept of "authority", as the same root with the word "authoritarianism", has become very rarely used. And in vain, because the meaning of authority does not contradict modern trends in the humanization of education.
Authority (from Latin autoritas - power) - the influence of a person based on knowledge, moral virtues, life experience. Sometimes authority is defined as a relationship in which one person dominates another in need of support. The superiority of parents who are authoritative for the child is determined by their maturity, and not by violence, not by the suppression of his personality. Being an authoritative parent means attracting a child with the strength and charm of your personality, leading and helping where necessary. To accept such parental dominance means for the child not so much submission as trust, gaining protection. The feeling of life confidence, which was mentioned above, is one of the needs of the child's psyche, so he needs to find support, support in the face of an adult, especially parents.
A.S. Makarenko wrote that for a child of the first years of life “... the very meaning of authority lies in the fact that it does not require any evidence, that it is accepted as the undoubted dignity of the elder, as his strength and value, visible, so to speak, to a simple child's eye "(Makarenko A.S. Ped. Op.: In 8 vols. - M., 1984.-T. 4.-S. 66).
For a small child, every adult is a natural authority, because in children's eyes he is the embodiment of strength, power, skill. This gives some parents the illusion that they don't have to put in much effort to maintain their authority. Such views are held primarily in families where education is based on guardianship, dictate. Meanwhile, a preschool child is already able to distinguish between authority based only on physical superiority (older, stronger) and authority based on affection and respect. Love, attention to the child, care for him - the first "brick" of parental authority. He will grow stronger in the eyes of the child as he “discovers” in his parents their high moral qualities, culture, erudition, intellectual development, skill and many other excellent qualities. Responsible parents think about their authority, try to maintain it, strengthen it, in any case not destroy it with unworthy behavior.
In a family, it is important to maintain each other's authority, while remembering that it is difficult to win it, and it is easy to lose it forever, especially in small everyday skirmishes, squabbles, and quarrels. Often, spouses, without thinking about the consequences, with or without reason in the presence of children, ridicule, insult and humiliate each other. Especially often this is done in relation to the father.
Sociological studies show that many schoolchildren put the father's role in third or fourth place when solving such questions as "Who would you like to follow an example from?", "Who would you trust your secret to?" Mother, brothers, grandfathers, grandmothers, peers are often rated as authorities higher than the father.
Research shows that boys are especially sensitive to the fall in the father's prestige in the family; in the conditions of "matriarchy" they assimilate the image of a man as a "superfluous being" and transfer this image to themselves. As a rule, the boy experiences a feeling of love and pity for the “secondary father”, and perceives the humiliation of his father as his own. But there are times when, having rejected the image of the father, the child will look for other male ideals, and it is not known where these searches will lead him. Girls are somewhat less vulnerable in this regard. They are able to focus even on such a father, who has lost his position as the head of the family, if he is affectionate and kind to them.
TRADITIONS OF FAMILY EDUCATION
Modern scientists (I.V. Bestuzhev-Lada, D.S. Likhachev, A.V. Mudrik) include family traditions among the important subjective conditions that have a noticeable impact on the characteristics of home education.
The word "tradition" (from Latin tratitio - transmission) means historically established and passed down from generation to generation customs, practices, rules of conduct. The family, like other social institutions, exists by reproducing traditions, following certain patterns of activity, without which its very development is unthinkable. If we analyze the different spheres of family life, then the conclusion is obvious: they are built in accordance with various types of patterns that are reproduced by each new generation of the family and regulate the creation new family, marital, parental relationships, housekeeping, leisure activities, etc. And since the family itself and its values are a product of culture, practically any pattern of material and spiritual activity can serve as the basis for the emergence of traditions in the family. So, for example, many families have developed traditions of planting a tree in honor of a newborn baby or newlyweds, celebrating the day the child enters school, transferring the first self-read book from father to son, keeping a family photo chronicle (and today - a video chronicle) etc. Passed on from generation to generation, traditions, adapting to the conditions of modern life, do not remain frozen, given once and for all. Their purpose in human society remains unchanged: they are designed to serve to strengthen family ties and relationships that function as mechanisms for the transfer of such personal and socially valuable human qualities as love, kindness, compassion, mutual understanding, readiness to help a loved one (A I. Zakharov, A. B. Orlov, A. S. Spivakovskaya).
In the specialized literature, as well as in the practice of education, the concepts of "tradition" and "custom" are often used as synonyms. The answer to the question of how legitimate such an identification is is given in the study by I.V. Sukhanov. The "kinship" of traditions and customs is revealed, namely: their common social functions, according to which they serve as a means of stabilizing relations established in society and reproducing these relations in the life of new generations. But these functions are carried out by customs and traditions in different ways. Customs directly, through detailed prescriptions for certain actions in specific situations, stabilize certain links in family relations and reproduce them in the life of new generations. Such, for example, are the habits of caring for children, behavior in public place, receiving guests, keeping a book of family income and expenses and many others. Each custom, of course, has its own meaning, but it is not expressed in the form of an ideal. Custom prescribes in great detail what should or should not be done in a given situation, and does not indicate what one should be.
Traditions, on the contrary, are always based on the value of the family, which determines the meaning of traditional behavior. Therefore, the tradition does not give a detailed regulation of the act, it does not have a specific "binding" to a specific situation. For example, the tradition of hospitality, which many modern families adhere to, is embodied in different ways: someone focuses on refreshments, while for others, the main thing is communication with the guest, the need to find emotional support in him or provide him with such, and the table is set according to the principle "the richer, the more happy."
Due to the above difference that exists between traditions and customs, scientists emphasize their unequalness in the family upbringing of a child. Customs form mainly simple habits - stereotypically repetitive actions that have a certain degree of automatism (for example, the custom of a lullaby, the custom of wishing good morning, Bon appetit, a wonderful custom of villagers is to greet any person, including a stranger).
Customs, being mass simple habits, regulate those social relations that are already firmly established, repeating themselves from generation to generation. But in new, changing situations, customs, as a means of education, are not effective enough. Another thing is traditions, which are more dynamic due to the fact that they respond faster to the requirements of modern life than customs. The developing possibilities of traditions are much higher, since they form complex habits, contribute to the formation of a certain direction of the child's behavior, within which he is free to choose ways to perform a specific act. Complex habits provide an opportunity to improvise behavior. Representing massive complex habits, traditions guide the child's behavior not only in established relationships, but also in those new options that arise unexpectedly, differ from those situations that were in his experience. If, for example, a child is brought up in the traditions of a humane attitude towards others, then he not only shows compassion, respect, goodwill in dealing with family members, but also feels the misfortune of other people in his heart ("Why is the boy crying? Let's help him!"), Animals (“Poor cat - she’s homeless, give her my milk”), literary heroes (“Carlson is not a friend of the Kid at all: Because of Carlson, the Kid always gets caught”).
Thus, traditions and customs are two channels of the child's socialization, and traditions function on the basis of customs. Family traditions are multifunctional, specific, emotionally saturated, therefore, against their background social development the child is more successful.
Traditions and customs reflect ethnic, cultural, religious features family, professional affiliation of its members. Tradition is always based on some idea, value, norm, family experience. How multifunctional the norms and values of each particular family are, so diverse are the traditions in their educational essence. Depending on the values and norms of the family, which are implemented in a particular tradition, one can speak of constructive and destructive, constructive and non-constructive, stereotypical and non-stereotypical, true and imaginary traditions.
In one family, for example, the tradition of celebrating a child's birthday is realized in a children's holiday with congratulations, wishes, gifts, fun games, singing, dancing, a joyful memory of which will remain for many years not only for the hero of the occasion, but for all those present. And in another family, a child’s birthday is an occasion for another adult feast with copious libations, drunken showdowns, behind which the child, his holiday, his need for joy are completely forgotten. From such a “celebration”, the child will retain bitterness and resentment towards the closest people for a long time. In the first example, tradition is the basis of present and future joys, it encourages goodness, stimulates elements of creativity, in the second, it is the cause of many of today's and tomorrow's troubles and upheavals of the child, a clear evidence of the abyss between him and his parents, through the prism of which the whole world around him seems hostile and cruel.
Enriching the content of family traditions contributes to the full organization of the life of the family as a social institution, ensures the growth of mutual understanding between its members, especially between parents and children, helps to improve the process of home education.
Despite the hustle and bustle of modern life, in many families the tradition of family meals has been preserved, which make up for the lack of constant live contacts between family members, confirm its integrity and the interest of all family members in it. There is an exchange of current news, family matters that concern all or any of the family members are discussed. The tradition of family meals, while retaining its value, is a kind of symbol of nepotism.
At present, traditions are being studied that have developed over the centuries in domestic families, and in the post-revolutionary period, being recognized by the official ideology as obsolete, petty-bourgeois, unprincipled, they turned out to be severely deformed or completely lost. These are the traditions of family reading, singing, needlework and other joint work and creativity, games of adults and children, epistolary culture, compilation of a family tree, home theater, collecting flowers, leaves in herbariums, stones and other materials and creating a children's museum on their basis. and many others (T.E. Berezina, T.M. Barinova, G.N. Grishina). Some of these traditions are beginning to be revived. So, in modern families, an interest in their roots has appeared, which is expressed in traditions associated with an excursion into the genealogy of their family (collection and storage of family relics, creation of photo albums “My genealogy”, visiting places memorable for ancestors, etc.) . Leisure traditions are becoming more diverse: traveling, Sunday trips out of town, visiting museums, home concerts, national games, sports entertainment, etc. traditions, such as celebrating the New Year and birthdays of family members, and, of course, first of all, children. As the results of studies (T.M. Barinova, E.S. Babunova, N.V. Demidova) show, these traditions are the most common in the modern family. However, unfortunately, they focus on the order of action (purchasing a Christmas tree, gifts, treats, inviting guests in a timely manner, cleaning and decorating the apartment, etc.). Much more valuable in the educational sense is the organization of the activities of children and adults, the initiation of activity, creativity of children. Here, for example, is the brightest ritual moment of the New Year's holiday in the family - a Christmas tree, its installation, decoration. For very young children, the effect of colorfulness, unusualness, integrity from the perception of a decorated Christmas tree is important. Therefore, they are shown a Christmas tree already decorated by adults, and then every day they examine toys with them, cause emotional admiration, admiration. From 4-5 years old, children take part in the installation and decoration of the Christmas tree. Decorating a Christmas tree is a whole ritual of a huge complex impact on the mind, feelings, will of the child. For him, each Christmas toy is an old acquaintance, with which so many happy memories, and now it's time to find out its history. It turns out that Christmas decorations, despite their fragility, "live" in the family for a long time, and some become its relics. The child is interested to know that a small green ball, slightly tarnished from time to time, belonged to the great-great-great-great-great-bush Alexandra a long time ago, and grandfather Sasha bought a cardboard elephant with the money saved from school breakfasts when he went to first grade, and under the Christmas tree stands Santa Claus, inside of which was a gift received by dad at his first holiday of the Kremlin tree. And this bright red cone, which is so carefully wrapped in cotton wool, is Tanya's grandmother's favorite Christmas tree toy, but when dad was little, he dropped it and then glued the cracks with special glue. Well, after such interesting family stories, how can you not be careful, careful not to damage the toys, which, it turns out, are dear to your loved ones, loved by you!
So, family traditions are the main means of translating socio-cultural values, family norms, establishing its links with objects that are included in the sphere of its life (B.M. Bim-Bad, A.V. Petrovsky).
Tasks
1. Psychotherapist A.G. Dobrovich describes the special skills that help to get along well with people: “the ability to keep a smile” (keep a friendly expression on your face), pay attention to others, listen to what others say, say “no” without offending others, do not join in, do not interfere in conflicts, approve of others.
Explain what each of these skills means, what actions it consists of.
Schematically describe the situations that are expedient to use for the formation of such skills.
Prove the need for such skills to create a positive microclimate in the family.
Think about whether these skills can be attributed to the professional skills of a modern teacher.
2. The American psychologist Eda Le Shan writes in the book When Your Child Drives You Crazy (M., 1990) that a person, regardless of age, has a need for privacy, for the right to privacy. Privacy arises as a child's need to be an individual, which is an important aspect of development and maturation. E. Le Shawn gives an example from her many years of practice, how one mother “led the life of her children, never letting them out of control for a minute. She was constantly going through their belongings under the pretense of cleaning their room, watching their every move. And the result turned out to be sad: the children grew up secretive, insincere, deceitful” (p. 46). Explain why this happened.
3. Compare the two concepts of "authoritarianism" and "authority" Prove that the authority of parents and humane education are not mutually exclusive.
4. Study the teachings of A.S. Makarenko about authority. (Lectures on the upbringing of children // Pedal works: In 8 volumes - M., 1984. - T. 4). Prove that “authority of suppression” is “the most terrible kind of authority” (A.S. Makarenko)
5. Write a mini essay "My Home".
6. Remember biographies famous people or heroes of fiction, in whose lives grandmothers played a significant role.
7. Since ancient times, a woman was considered the shore of the house. The proverbs say about this: “The house is the mistress”, “The husband is the head, the wife is the soul” and many others. Explain what qualities, properties of a woman ensure the success of this "mission" - to keep, protect your home. Do you own them?
8. Write down a few proverbs that reflect family customs, note which of them are quite applicable in modern conditions, and which seem outdated.
